WON'T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

We proper love our kebab shops in this country don't we. The donner kebab, despite looking and tasting like sellotape, is a British staple after a night out, probably because we're all too smashed to notice. But I'm not here to tell you to stop eating shitty food that's prepared in an environment that the council gave 1 star out of 5 for hygiene. They've got one more star than your kitchen mate and they deliver. No, I'd like to talk about an even darker side of the kebab shop than the germ nirvana of it's kitchen; the "kids menu".

I only noticed this fad after I moved to Keighley in West Yorkshire, a town with little going for it other than a whole heap of racial tension, some old working trains and a plethora of kebab shops. It's also near the home of the Bronte sisters, which leads me to believe that whilst they grew up in the idyllic village of Haworth, they contracted TB when they ordered a Special Mixed Kebab from Mango's in Keighley.

The kids menu is usually hidden away on the back, or squashed in between the sides and the deals on your standard spelling mistake-ridden greasy takeaway pamphlet. I would often laugh at the omelettes and scampi listed in the "English dishes" section on a curry menu and wonder... why? I only wish I could laugh at the kids menu on a kebab shop menu. I can't laugh when kids are taking a far too early step closer to the grave by eating food that should only be reserved for an 18-30 year old after six pints (minimum). 

So let's have a closer look, with Keighley takeaways as our sample, at what exactly is contained within these kids sections that entice obviously horrendous parents to purchase cheap scran for their nippers. I'm not actually going to order any, that would be ridiculous and expensive, but by examining the menus, I hope to fund a trip to Manchester's Curry Mile to film a documentary about a subject which both intrigues and disgusts me. And my bowels. The "Disgust Rating" is based on the options available and the methods used to advertise them.

Pizza Amico's 

Never been to this place, which apparently does "Turkish Specialities" and is "Served and delivered with a Pizza Amico's smile!". I wonder what that looks like. Avoiding the odd choice of serving jacket potatoes and  scanning straight down to the "Kids Meals" section, we can see two pretty happy looking kids and a big fat breach of copyright. Pinocchio appears in this instance, surely a warning sign for any parents that this takeaway cannot be trusted, as well as his mate Jiminy Cricket, whose brothers probably live in the kitchen. And straight away, there is "Kebab Meat" for 2.80. "Fish Finger" is perhaps a safer option, but then, I imagine serving your kids gravel is your best bet. 
Disgust Rating - 9

Raja's Pizza Bar

Raja doesn't think much of kids, so he only gives them two options to like or lump. Both err on the side of caution and don't include any nasty donner meat, but then, this is a takeaway that advertises "Tasty Frozen Samosa's". Kids love lollys don't they? This shop recently had a refurb and has apparently led the way for Halal food for 10 years. Are you Halaling a laugh!?? Mickey Mouse pops up here, I'm guessing they accidentally photoshopped out their copyright symbol that they proudly received from Disney lawyers. Disgust rating - 

Aroush Cafe

This place is probably my favourite for a curry, I also trust them the most because they've spent a lot of money on their signs. Aroush is a flashy joint reflected by their flashy menu, one that reads that they now apparently serve "Special Fish and Chips", which is beyond my realms of imagination. The Kids Meal section here has avoided copyright theft at least and the options are again fairly standard, but wait what's this? "Served with fries, drink and TOY"? What will it be? A Kinder Egg? A selection from a job lot off ebay of old Happy Meal plastic tat? Donner meat? Screw nearby Maccy Ds and Toymaster and take your kids here to eat AND entertain them! Disgust rating - 5

Fusion



















Another new one to me, this misshapen oddity of a menu features an odd mix of food and names their kid section "Kiddies Menu". Not sure why they've decided to use a word only used by people over 60, but there you go. This clearly isn't your standard takeaway when it's selling T-Bone steak and mashed pototo and the "Kiddies" offering reflects that, offering SMILEY FUCKING FACES and "squash" with their mains for 2.99.  You can't sum up "Blending Great Food & Culture" more than a menu that serves smiley faces and Chicken Biryani. Bravo. 

Disgust rating - 3



Khan's Grill House

                                                                          












Known as "Mr/Dr Khan's" in our house, this emporium of bacteria serves Chicken Parmesan, which is illustrated on their menu with a picture of a big pile of puke on salad. Flipping to the kids section and trying not to laugh at some of the pizza names ("Big Boy Special"/"Chicago Bear"/"Barrier Reef 50/50"), we see some lovely balloons. Are they implying this would make an ideal birthday treat? Well bugger me, there's a free toy with every meal too! The answer is surely yes. Boring food though.

Digust rating - 7

Mango's

















The big momma of Keighley takeaways and a "popular" "choice" in our house, Mango's is always chockablock when I pass. With an extensive menu of curries, pizza, kebabs and fried chicken, it's THE place to contract food poisoning. The kids meals here aren't just any old offerings, they're VALUE meals. And what value for £1.99 with fries and a drink! Totally bland, if not safe selection though, must try harder, but guaranteed to be totally disgusting.

Disgust rating - 7

So there we have it. Not quite as bad as I imagined. Most takeaways from our sample play it safe with their kids offerings, presumably so they can't be convicted of manslaughter. But the fact remains, if you buy your kids any of this shit, you're a bad parent. But then what do I know, my Dad used to take me and my sister to McDonalds and I turned out fine.