So, I've been working at a cinema for four and a half months. Now, I'm no film expert and at home, I don't tend to watch many films; I much prefer melting my mind with comedy series if I'm gonna watch anything on a screen. But what with the free films and the nature of working at a cinema, i.e the endless constant bombardment of the line "Have you seen..." from both guests and co-workers alike, it's hard to ignore them. Nights I would have spent lying in bed watching Family Guy or SHOCK HORROR spending it in the company of real people, turn into "Wanna go see a movie?" or more often "Paul, let's go see a movie...please." The free-ness of it all has also been a godsend when spending 12.50 on a movie would mean you're eating sweetcorn for the next week.
I worked out that I've watched 18 films on the big screen in approximately 18 weeks. Using my powers of mathematics and my B at GCSE maths, I have therefore come to the conclusion that that's one a week. So, to celebrate this seriously non-momentous and utterly pointless event, here's a short review of each one. I've also been watching a helluva lot more films in general, but if I counted them I might as well review every film I've ever seen and that's not the way I roll madam. TAKE IT FROM THE TOP!
- District Nine
Totally brilliant sci-fi action about a load of (mainly) stupid aliens getting stuck in Johannesburg and the explosive struggle between them and humanity (Or lack of it, ooh, biting). The main guy is awesome, turning from comedy buffoon, to oppressor, to whimpering wreck, to badass saviour, to coward and finally to a self-sacrificing hero. Some intelligent messages, always keeps you on edge and horrendously cool. The first film I saw when I got here and still the best. Buy it, rent it, stream it, you fukken prawn! 10/10
- Inglorious Basterds
Ooh, look at me, I'm Quentin Tarantino, I'm all trendy because I spelt the name of the film all wrong and ooh, here's a shot of a woman eating some bread slowly, ooh let's zoom in, ooh. Ooh. Ok, despite the fact Tarantino always does the same ruddy shots or whatever, this film was pretty good. A load of Jewish soldiers basically kill Nazis in France, and the film revolves around a plot to blow a load of high ranking ones up. Another one that keeps you on edge with some pretty extreme twists, Brad Pitt was pretty funny and lots of gratuitous violence never hurt anyone. Badoom-tsh. The Jew Hunter bloke was also a very good acting person. 8/10
- Capitalism: A Love Story
Michael Moore is at it again! The "fat socialist weasel", as Trey Parker and Matt Stone once referred to him as, tells us, the American public... er.. to wake up and smell the coffee (BUT NOT FROM STARBUCKS LOLOLOLOL) in another documentary tracing back the history of capitalism and why everything is bad for people nowadays you get the picture i.e etc forever. Some good stories and case studies, too much black and white illustrative footage and too much of the hideously ugly Mikey on screen, but definitely makes you think. Bowling for Columbine was better. 7/10
- Zombieland
Some guy that looks kind of like Michael Cera and plays an exact replica of a Michael Cera character in a zombie apocalypse, meets that bloke from Cheers and learns to kill zombies in funny ways for our amusement. Best bit by far was the cameo from Bill Murray and the whole situation that surrounds it, I didn't find the rest of it as funny as some of the audience who appeared to be each having an epileptic fit, three heart attacks and a stroke everytime a zombie got smashed in the head. It was just fine. I prefer zombie films that are unintentionally funny. Or Dead Rising on Xbox 360, which it was kind of like, but with better controls (i.e IT HAD NONE COS IT WAS A FILM WHICH IS BETTER THAN THE SHIT ONES THAT RUDDY GAME HAD!) Or Shaun of The Dead. 6/10
- The Damned United
It's kind of bizarre to me that this film was even shown in Toronto; being based around a famous-in-his-own-country English football manager in the North of England in the 70s. I'd read the book and knew plenty about "Cloughie" through various TV documentaries, so to see it come to life on the big screen with a quality actor (Mr Sheen..Michael Sheen) was awesome. The relationship between Clough and Peter Taylor was portrayed as a bizarrely homo-erotic one, but some solid acting made it all very believable. A film your Dad would love if he supported Leeds in the 70s, or hated Leeds in the 70s (which is more likely). 7/10
- The Men Who Stare At Goats
Ok, so I saw the trailer to this and thought: "This looks rubbish." And it totally was. Apparently based on a true story, Obi Wan Kenobi meets George Clooney in the Middle East and they pretend to be able to knock over goats with their minds or some shit. But frankly, nothing happened - pure dullness. For a "comedy", there was a complete lack of jokes and there were more flashbacks than Family Guy, except not even half as funny. The only redeeming feature was the message, but I didn't need to watch a shit film with a shit title to take that in. 4/10
- The Road
Probably the most depressing film I've ever seen, The Road is all about Aragorn and his kid walking a long a FUCKING ROAD YOU SHIT in an apocalyptic America. They don't really meet anyone apart from nasty cannibals but are kept going by the bond between a father and a son. And it worked - a feeling of complete hopelessness runs through the film, but little moments make you well up (inside). I couldn't watch it again though, it was too draining. You could just watch Goof Troop if you wanted non-depressing lessons in parenthood as well, just saying... 7/10
- Pirate Radio
Knockabout British feel-good comedy with, oddly, a different title to the British version. All based around the true story of "Pirate" radio stations in the sea in the 60s who would play RAAAAAWK and roll - my Mum once told me she listened to them - trivial trivia for yo' ass. Some good stars in this, Nick Frost, that idiot manager bloke from Flight of the Choncords... and some ones that get on my nerves - Rhys Efans. But genuinely funny - I thought it'd be too sappy coming from the same guy who bums Hugh Grant, but it balanced good jokes with a story and you even cared about the characters at the end, which is always a bonus. 7/10
- Red Cliff
Big fighty Chinese war epic. Not much else to say apart from that, other than IT WAS AWESOME! Huge fuck-off battle scenes and brilliant depictions of some very clever war tactics which proved war IS cool - in your anus Edwin Starr! Kind of like watching Lord of The Rings without Orcs. I read the Chinese Army "donated" 100,000 troops to be extras, which was nice of them. It was subtitled, which is a shame, I would have preferred a comedy dub!! Not really. 9/10
- 2012
Jesus Christ. Totally over the top apocalyptic cash-in on the whole Mayan calendar gubbins. 2012 just made me laugh in amazement at some of the ridiculous balls that happened. For example, they're in this huge Noah's Ark-like boat near the end, and suddenly there's a Titanic moment, except it's not an iceberg, IT'S RUDDY MOUNT EVEREST! Yeah, the special effects were impressive but.. I couldn't take this seriously at all. Bad acting, bad writing, bad bad bad. Expect this to play on TV a lot in 2012... IF WE'RE STILL ALIVE!!!!1111111 Rubbish. 3/10
- Invictus
Morgan Freeman playing Nelson Mandela and Matt Damon playing Francois Pienaar?! Excuse me!? Here we have surprisingly alright South African accents in a sort of biopic about Mandela, but all based around the "Regby Wurld Cap". I dunno, maybe filming all the "regby" scenes in slow motion was meant to mean something Clint, but I didn't get it. There wasn't enough grittiness for my liking, Mandela's struggle didn't come across enough and at the end of the day, maybe it's because I'm not a fan of "regby", but it just bored me. It's probably a crime to dislike this, sorry Nelson. 5/10
- Avatar
Well.. I've watched this film a countless amount of times doing IMAX shifts at work, and in all honesty, I think it does deserve the praise it's got. If you don't know what it's about you're an idiot. Yeah, it's definitely not the best film ever made, but it deserves its stupid high revenues. Sure, the story might be a rip off of Pocohontas and it's hilariously written in parts and blah blah blah, but it's genuinely gripping, you definitely feel for the blue monkeys and the action scenes were top class. The IMAX also makes everything very romantic. Don't slag it off. 9/10
- The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Batshit-insane sort of British movie from Terry Gilliam about... I don't know. Totally nutbar. Heath Ledger died during it, probably because HIS RUDDY HEAD CAME OFF! Was that insensitive? I'm gonna say no. Some good performances from people that came in to play his character afterwards and the guy who plays the devil(?). Maybe it comes across as too disjointed and ridiculous for it's own good and becomes pretentious, I'm not sure, I still don't really know what happened during the time it was on screen. Entertaining though. 6/10
- High Life
I watched a Canadian film, and y'know what, it liked it a lot. The title sounds like a subtitle to a friggin' Harold and Kumar movie, but it's much more stylish than that kettle of fish. The story revolves around four blokes addicted to morphine who try and pull off a bank job. And the film works. Funny, clever and just a cool film. Like if you just saw it you'd be like: "Yeah dawg, dat shit was cool". That cool. Some great acting as well. 8/10
- The Book of Eli
Denzel is back as a badass Mad Max type character who walks around (another) post-apocalyptic wasteland trying to deliver his book somewhere. When I saw this at first, I liked it - some top notch action scenes, Denzel and Gary Oldman were good and it was kind of refreshing to see a good old-fashioned cat and mouse chase between a hero and a big nasty boss and his cronies. But later on, I realised just how ridiculous some of the "twists" are and how confused some of the messages from the film seen. Plus Mila Kunis is in no way a badass, I mean.. she's Meg. A mixed bag then. 6/10
- Daybreakers
Take a totally original concept - everyone in the world is a vampire apart from the odd few remaining humans, and the vampires are running out of blood which they need to live or they go all weird - and ruin it with some totally retarded (but funny) over-the-top violence and gore straight out of a old fashioned zombie flick. Ok, maybe ruin is a strong word. Saying it "destroyed the atmosphere" would be a better way of putting it - the film went from being quite stylish to being hilarious. And William Dafoe was gash, as was his "solution", as were the totally shit vampires who hadn't had enough blood - they just looked like Golems with wings. But totally entertaining, a million miles from Twilight (up yours, womankind!), but flawed. 7/10
- Sherlock Holmes
Guy Ritchie does a non-gangster film and he pulls it off, cor blimey guvnor, you slaaaaaag ad nauseam forever. Still, it's set in London of course and casts Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson as more kick ass than they were in ye olde books (probably). The whole film was a proper good old fashioned mystery, a mixture between Diagnosis Murder, any James Bond Film and.. well.. Sherlock Holmes.. ahem. Some great characters, action-packed, kept you guessing and not a dodgy cockney accent in site, fuck - well done. 8/10
- Legion
And so to the last.. and probably the worst. I knew this looked bad from the trailer, but like a horrific car crash, I was just too curious.. and I paid in lost brain cells and two hours of my time. So basically God wants to destroy humanity now for some reason, but one angel still has faith, so goes to some old cafe during the apocalypse (ANOTHER! This time biblical..) and protects a bint who has the fetus of the next jesus up in her womb. There's also some other characters who end up there, but most of them die. And that's pretty much it. The demons are totally ridiculous and non-scary, there's so many pointless and unexplainable bits in the movie and it all takes itself so seriously, I can't believe anyone would ever like this ever. They totally gave away the most surprising bits in the trailer as well. IDIOTS. Why the hell do angels have to use machine guns? Why can't they use angel powers?! Awful shit. 2/10
And that's it. Hopefully I'll see another 18 before I go and review them all for you. Unless you found this boring and too long, in which case, go and read your mum. I heard she's a great.. book (get it). Cheers.
