Game Review: Bieber Kisser

Oh hey there! It's been a while, sorry about that. I thought I'd have a pop at game reviewing, because plenty of people with no talent write absolute shite about quality games everyday. Therefore, I'm using my quality talent to write about an absolute shite game. ENJOY!


Sometimes, you see things on the internet so disgusting that you have to go and stare at your cat's lovely little face for 10 minutes so you can sleep at night. 2girls1cup, beheading videos or that clip of the race where a race marshall gets run over by an F1 car live on TV come to mind. But forget those. Think of the goriest thing you've ever seen and then imagine if you saw it on an IMAX screen in a scary old cinema, with deafening opera music playing and all the other seats occupied by dead babies. Only then will you come anywhere near the horror I witnessed upon discovering "Bieber Kisser". And I don't even have a fucking cat to look at.

"Sneak up on Justin and give him a smooch!"

Now, obviously this game isn't aimed at me. Last time I checked, I wasn't an 11-year-old girl who believes Justin Bieber is actually Jesus and that it's my destiny to let Bieber deflower me or I'll never get into Hogwarts and give birth to a Jonas brother. Or y'know, whatever they like. Moams and Polly Pocket? I won't go into why I dislike Justin Bieber, because it should be obvious and I assume by reading this you're not really keen on him much either (if you REALLY need a reason, click here). I mean.. look at him.


I am allowed, however, to question just how ridiculous this piece of shit for a game really is. Yeah, it's for pre-pubescent girlscouts, but there's a million better games; there's even a thousand better games on the site it's on. If you called this game "Alan Rickman Kisser", I doubt it'd get such an audience. Gay Canadian Peter Pan is the only reason anyone is playing this non-ironically, so the developers obviously thought they could jizz out any old spunk and the ad money would roll in. And wow, did they ejaculate some lazy, vitamin-starved game-sperm. Disgusting, lazy game sperm. Sperm that even Justin Bieber would spit out in disgust (hyuck hyuck).

"Time to prove you're Bieber's #1 Fan! Get backstage and kiss him!"

The aim of the game is, simply, to get off with the kid. You play what appears to be a fully grown woman, dressed in your finest slag attire, who has to make it past security guards and random people at a Bieber show in order to achieve.. what exactly? Does this not strike you as creepy? Should a game where breaking the law in order to kiss and presumably shag a kid who is too old for you (or too young if you see yourself as the character) be marketed to 11-year-olds?


Bieber Kisser is essentially a stealth game, typically the subject of serious console titles such as Splinter Cell or Metal Gear Solid, but here scaled back to it's bare bones to encourage breaking, entering and molesting to a whole new generation of "tweens". Security guards and other random people sitting around, including Bieber clones (couldn't you just get off with them instead?), men with laptops/newspapers/drinking coke and most worryingly, what appear to be proper groupies, all have lines of sight that must be avoided in order to reach the door to the next room. If you get caught in a line of sight, you're shown a horribly upsetting game over screen with what sounds like the Seinfeld bass interlude, announcing:

"Oh no, how will you show Justin that you are his number one fan?"

There's a paltry four small, bland levels, the last of which holds the boy wonder himself. There is a timer that you won't need as there's endless continues and a score that means nothing. You only need your arrow keys, there ain't no kerazy power-ups around here. It all lasts about five minutes. The effort and variety here is pretty much non-existent. Next time, try a bit harder eh? Here's some ideas for the sequel, addictinggames:

1) A level where you have to sneak past notorious woman beater and Bieber friend Chris Brown, who if you alert, will punch your bitch face in until the cops show up.

2) A level where you have to fight off a number of other Justin Bieber fangirls, Mortal Kombat style, using only your highheels and rape alarm. FATALITY!

3) Beat off Bieber. Button mashing.

The levels the games does have are accompanied by music which sounds like it's been ripped from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air at times and backing tracks from The Backstreet Boys at others. I mean, surely they could have at least tried to mimic some Justin Bieber tracks or something? Sloppy. Anyway, once you've finally worked your way past the most retarded security guards ever and the smacked out groupies, you finally get to live out your wildest fantasies:



Great. The game isn't promoting safe sex either. Look at that last screen; Bieber is loving it and your character is freeze-framed in a position where she appears to be manically humping the shit out of the gurning dickhead. And that's it. You can then "tell the world that you kissed Justin Bieber!", or slam the nearest sharp object into your eye until you can't see this shit anymore, which, believe me, is a much better option.

No matter how much escapism or fantasy this is for a 11-year-old, I'd rather have any kids of mine play anything other than it. It's lazily made and creepy and a complete waste of time. If they did play it, I'm sure they'd even look back years later on 2girls1cup as being less disgusting to watch than playing this.

But then again, why should I care? His fans love it!

redrosie12
"i love this game!!!!!i wish i could do tht to him"
(1 week ago)

Fair point I guess.

supastar159
"i kissed him 5 times in a row i love u justin!!"
(1 week ago)

Bit excessive, but ok..

JBlover131
"PLZ GET ME JUSTIN BIEBER'S CELL PHONE NUMBER I LOVE HIM AND IM LIKE HIS #1 FAN I HAVE 1000 OF POSTERS OF HIM ON MY WALL PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ GET ME HIS CELL PHONE NUMBER PLZZZZZZZ"
(1 week ago)

Jesus. Ban this shit.

1/10

Or play it here: http://www.addictinggames.com/bieberkisser.html

Paul

Why you shouldn't start a video blog (sorry)

Hello everybody, it's been a while! A PROPER BLOGOMG!

Back in the day before the internet, people who demanded attention used to sing karaoke in rubbish pubs or set fire to park benches. Nowadays, they log onto Youtube and talk absolute shite for under 10 minutes after editing their masterpiece on Windows Movie Maker. Ahh, the video blog.

I've had an account on Youtube since the vintage year of 2006, contributing the odd splooge, viewing awful crap regularly and blinking in bewilderment at some of the dirtiest, horrible comments imaginable on the entire internet. The site has it all now and is a wonderful/awful place to lose yourself for a number of minutes/hours/entire weekends. You all know what goes on on Youtube, but it's the subject of "Vlogging" that I want to touch on here - something that forms the hunched backbone of the site.

Blogging in itself is a good way to showcase your talent (or lack of) for writing, share facts (or lies) and opinions to the world, to entertain or simply to boost your awful ego. It's the latter part I have a problem with and it manifests itself the most obscenely in video blogging. Now, I'll admit, I do quite enjoy the sound of my own voice and watching myself on a screen spewing dross to no one. As a kid, ridiculously, I made mock radio shows including interviews with myself playing a different person with a different accent, reading aloud sections from the paper for the news and, most regrettably, singing (I guess even fake radio shows struggle with copyright issues). I've even tried to do video blogs in the past, but scrapped them because they were the most boring pieces of shit I've ever seen.

It's this childlike egomania that exists on Youtube that really grinds my gears - people who have little to say and just like the look of their own face, or hair. There exists a long line of dorks waving their arms around and screeching "LOVE ME!!111" to an audience of other dorks, who are either enjoying it and making these creatures continue this jamboree of shit or telling them they're "homo cocksuker faggets". It's the same people that keep cruel freakshows like the X-Factor on the air and start sweating if they haven't heard any news about that bloke off Eastenders for two days.

I've categorised these maniacs into about five different types:

a) The Fringe: Hair grows at the front of the head, clouds thoughts, takes over. Opinion on hair and little else. Also known as "camwhores".

b) The Hyperactive Doofus: Usually a child who enjoys screaming loads. Very little humour involved.

c) The "Reviewer": "Reviews" various entertainment mediums by slagging them off exclusively with poorly backed or just plain incoherent arguments in a totally uninspiring and dull way. Usually silly looking. Polar opposite to the AVGN, who is da bomb.

d) The Nutbar: Genuinely mentally ill people. Kind of tragic really. Easy bait for "trolls".

e) The Crushing Bore: No point mate, no point. No one cares.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hold anything against people doing a video blog, but for the sake of the human race make it interesting, or entertaining, or relevant, or informative.. or any of the above. There's a reason you haven't got your own show or movie or talk show, IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE RUBBISH! Better ignore this though (It's a character isn't it?!).

Having a medium like Youtube is a double-edged sword, on one side anyone can put anything up and you can find pretty much everything ever. That also happens to be the other side. Quantity over quality is a motherfucker, and at times, it's like wading through The River Shit to find chocolate cake (hopefully sealed).

Good video bloggers are few and far between, but for the sake of balance, here is one of my favourites - this guy, is quite simply, a fat guy who couldn't give two shits that he's fat. He's the polar opposite to a "Fringe" and I respect him immensely for it.

I am also a huge fan of "character" video blogs as they're pure comedy monologues in their own right when they're done well; this chap being my favourite.

So there you go. Heed my advice, don't do a video blog if you've got nothing interesting to say and stop clogging up my internet. And if you must do a video telling everyone that you grazed your arm, please don't show me it. To end this mutha, here's a spoof I did FIVE YEARS AGO, fuck.

THANKS LOVE YOU BYE!