Flaming hell in Toronto

"You better radio someone because my friend is in there pissing all over your theatre"

Wow, you tuned in to read one blog and another one popped up! Good lord! It's like a two for one deal, although the "one" is free, so the deal doesn't really matter. Err.. so, the last one was well overdue, this one is right about on time. What's been going on? Well if I'm honest, since I've got back from my jaunt away, things have been sort of insane. Even the littlest things I've seen and heard have been totally nuts. I knew Toronto was slightly nutbar from the moment I saw a hobo defecating onto a church, but recently the insanity ratio has stepped up a notch.

The first thing that happened was that my netbook was slaughtered by some nasty spyware, leaving me with no internet in my house apart from the old PC downstairs. I tried for a couple of weeks to fix it in various ways with various people's help, but to no avail and have only recently splashed out on a new one. At the same time, there was some drama in my house with one of my housemates and the landlord (not involving me) which led to a very tense atmosphere and didn't really make me want to use said PC downstairs. At the same time Toronto decided to be 30 degrees everyday in May. At the same time as that there's a horrible smell in my room, probably due to a rat dying in my room. At the same time the TTC decides to do a load of work on the subway making it annoying at best to get downtown. And at the same time as that, there were things in my social life that were completely nuts.

There's also been some crazy incidents that have left me completely confused, for example, an old man telling me off on the street for wearing camo shorts, saying I was a fascist. I was wearing a Dead Kennedys shirt at the time. Jesus. A few days later I witnessed the Toronto police pulling up beside a hobo fight and slamming them against cars in a very unfriendly way. Almost makes me want to burn my "fascist" camo shorts. Around that time I also witnessed a man SMOKING on the subway, OH MY GOD!!!!111

So all in all, May was insanity and it looks like June has quietened down a bit - new netbook, rain, less drama, smell almost gone (ok, I covered the vent with a plastic bag). Work is one of the things that has predictably stayed pretty non-nuts, but shifts have been pretty sparse due to my cinema not getting any big films. Luckily, money wise I've been ok, and only just recently paid off my last rent, as July has already been paid for thanks to my first and last. But I'm currently trying to save for a last-gasp trek somewhere at the end of July/early August (probably either Algonquin Park or potentially another jaunt to the States), so hopefully shifts will pick up in the next few weeks and I don't blow my now pretty much disposable income (I'll just keep denying I have an overdraft to pay off at home).

The fact that I'm going home soon hasn't really sunk in yet, but becomes apparent with things like paying last rent and when people around you start going home, and I'm looking forward to it as much as I am feeling sad about it. And what am I going back to? A cross-breed government who are going to "push unemployment to three million". Aww man. Well, at least I'm going back to a Leeds United in the Championship.

But I've still go plenty of stuff to do and look at and hell, have been doing. A few weeks ago we went to Scarborough Bluffs, which is not really like the real Scarborough at home, well err.. there's less.. chips - they're basically big cliffs, but it's very nice and another example of how you can travel a short distance within Toronto and it's another world. I also hope to go the AGO (art place) and Canada's Wonderland (theme park) and maybe even the Ontario Science Centre in the next few weeks, to get my brownie points as a good tourist.

The World bloody Cup starts on Friday as well, which I'm totally excited about, and surprisingly, I think a lot of Toronto is too, due to the variety of neighbourhoods in the city. CBC are showing every single game, which deserves a big pat on the back and everyone in my area seems to be wearing a Portugal shirt, probably because the area is Portugese. England aren't gonna win it, but I'm hella-looking forward to throwing a chair through a bar's window when we don't win (Ironically, one of the things I like about bars here is that they have frame-less fronts when it's warm so you can be outside.. inside).

So yeah, I'm looking forward to doing some new things, having some nice times and hanging out to the max, seeing some nice people off, watching a fuck load of football and hopefully planning a trip for right before I go home. So tune in next time for rapes and japes and cape...rs. Bye!

A stroll around the lake

"Ladies, Ladies, Ladies..."

Firstly may I apologise wholeheartedly for my total lack of blog communications recently, which I partly blame on the fact I spazzed up my netbook, but also partly blame on my (at times) horrific laziness. So, now I have to delve into my memory banks to recall the precise details of what happened on a trip I took over a month ago. Or I would, but luckily I'm just going to slightly plagarise Cam's blog (who came with me and Lev) and I won't even risk getting kicked out of uni (incidentally, I've have a few dreams recently where I have a mound of assignments and revision to do and then I wake up and realise I'll probably never have to do an assignment again). So let's get it on.

Pre-trip, Toronto, Ontario

Early May and I'm free from work for about two weeks, money in the bank, Greyhound pass bought, hostels booked, half-packed and awaiting the arrival of my favourite little man from Carlisle. Luckily, that volcano thing decided not to be a dick and Lev made it over to Toronto as planned, despite nearly missing all of his flights because he's rubbish. That night I took him on a whistle-stop tour of Toronto, which included his first 7-11 slushie, a quick tour around downtown, the annex and the harbour front and demolishing several chicken wings. The next day we popped into the Royal Ontario museum, which was the first time I'd been and wasn't bad, although nothing to write home about, which is ironic, because that's essentially what I'm doing right now. Think dinosaur bones, stuffed animals and a suit of armour and you've essentially got it. The day after that, with Lev just about settling into Toronto, we pulled the carpet under his feet and began our travels, after getting our Benjamins (look it up homeboys) and experiencing another Canadian first for me, smoked meat sandwiches, which are sandwiches with smoked meat in them. Suprise!

We'd all bought a 7-day pass that entitled unlimited travel around the USA on Greyhound coaches for 240ish dollars. None of our tickets were actually booked, you had to present them at each bus station in exchange for a ticket, which I always found slightly nerve-wracking, in case a entire hockey time had booked the coach for a sodding day trip to an aquarium or likewise. But we crossed the first hurdle by boarding our bus to New York on time at around 11pm. The trip itself took close to 12 hours, which involved a slightly scary interrogation by US border guards (who probably "go home and have a wank over how awesome they think they are" - Lev) and the bizarre sight of seeing an Amish family sitting in a service station, right next to a Dunkin' Donuts, somewhere in New York state at 4am in the morning. But I'd finally entered Obama's USA and y'know what? It were reet good like.

New York City, New York

We arrived in New York at around 9-9.30 and were straightaway thrust into a busy, claustrophobic subway station with little idea of where we were or where the hostel was, and just a totally confusing subway map to look at. We walked up the road and headed straight to the first coffee place we found which was run by loud Italian people and shoved food and caffeine down our necks to make up for the piss-poor attempts at sleep we got on the coach. Then we were presented with a sight I've seen many times in movies, on TV and err.. GTA IV - Times Square. After having a mild panic attack at the amount of advertising signs and people and the fact I was actually in scary New York, we took some pictures and then headed up to the hostel on the subway, which wasn't nearly as scary as it sounds.

After dumping our stuff off at the hostel, which was pretty good (and apparently the biggest in one of its kind in North America, which makes sense) we headed straight for the Bronx Zoo, which was free on a Wednesday. The subway journey there was cool as we got to ride on and see the famous overground subway tracks, which again just reminded me of GTA (sorry). The Bronx apparently isn't full of hard bastards like it used to be, which is reflective of a lot of New York nowadays thanks to that Rudolph mayor bloke - it was the same case for Harlem where our hostel was, which seemed safe enough. With the sun already starting to burn the shit out of my face, we wandered around the zoo for most of the day, the highlights probably being a Polar Bear battering a plastic box, a brown bear with a human haircut and some ridiculous sealions.

As the evening approached, we headed back downtown and bought one of those city tour packages which included tours and admission for various attractions for a pretty decent price. Straight away we headed up the big boy himself, the Empire State building, disappointingly just missing the sunset. However, we got the jaw-dropping views of New York at night instead, which blew everyone's faces off, like the wind. Wind makes you hungry, so after fannying about for a bit, we decided to go to Planet Hollywood (Owned by John McClane, Rambo and formerly the Terminator) for a burger, which was packed with movie memorabilia and decent food, which sadly wasn't cooked by Sylvester Stallone. Also, I wasn't sure if the waiter was trying to play a character or not. If he wasn't, he was a prick. After that, we were all totally knackered and retired back to the hostel to reboot for another stupidly busy day.

Up early, stuffed with muffins and ready to go, we found our way to the nearest open-top bus tour stop after a quick look around a big-ass cathedral. We rode all the way from Harlem to the ferry terminal at Battery Park on two separate buses, with two pretty good tour guides. The second guy in particular cracked me up, as he was a crazy old nutter who made jokes straight out of 1975. We then boarded the ferry for the Statue of Liberty, which was kind of smaller than I thought it would be. The views from the ferry were awesome and wandering around on the island was totally surreal. After taking that in, we headed back to the mainland, had a look around the financial district and Wall Street, where oddly there was traders selling knock-off DVDs (they must be hard up; also there was a hell of a lot of African guys selling fake Rolexs from black bin liners in New York, not sure what that shit was).

Waiting for a two-hour night tour of Brooklyn, we had some textbook dinner at sunset at a place called Uno and then hopped back onto another bus which took us back up to Times Square (with a truly awful guide this time), then a fourth of the day which would take us out to David Beckham's son (Brooklyn ya idiot). The tour held ridiculous views of New York, especially from the other side of the river and going across the Brooklyn Bridge was immense - Brooklyn itself wasn't particularly interesting, but we got to eat at a famous ice cream place anyway which you can't really argue with. Sunburnt to hell, we all headed back to the hostel that night, completely destroyed by another stupid-busy day.

The next morning we were a bit late getting down to the bus station for Boston, because (plagirism alert):"It seemed to have slipped our mind, just how big this ruddy apple was."

Boston, Massachusetts

We got to Boston late afternoon after a pretty painless bus ride and after fumbling finding the hostel, wandered around this really quite nice city in the sunshine. We took Boston's subway to and from the hostel and headed back into the centre. The old town and Boston Common in particular were sweet and later on we found the Cheers bar - Lev in particular seemed to have a complete heart attack over this place, I mean, I liked the show, but I think Lev would have stayed in the gift shop for the rest of his life if he could - the douche. We did some more walking around along "The Freedom Trail" which follows a load of the historic sites in the city, and then later in the evening we found a pretty quirky restaurant where we ate clam chowder, stared in amazement at Irish people singing songs around a piano, ignored the hockey, pretended we were from "Baaahston" and generally lived like kings for the evening (except we couldn't get served for booze because Cam was under 21, stupid America).

After another decent sleep in the hostel, me and Lev met a very wet Cam at breakfast, who had gone off exploring at 6am in the sodding rain. We joined in on it and took a look around Harvard University and a bit more of the town, but the rain pissed on our bonfire and sadly later that afternoon we were leaving the place for Montreal. It was a shame we didn't spend more time in Boston and that half of the time it was shitty weather - hopefully I'll get to come back someday. At the bus station, Lev dropped a clanger and lost his bus pass which was a kick in the teeth, and Cam later found out he'd left his jacket, but once we were on the bus we began some intense games of cards and I found out Leeds had been promoted, everyone's spirits quickly lifted (well mine did). For the record, the only thing I lost during the trip was a nine of clubs. So nerr.

The long trip from Boston to Montreal was the best of the bus journeys due to the scenery through Vermont, with it's beautiful rolling hills and a spectacular thunderstorm. This is America at it's finest and it's clear to see why those blokes who landed in New England back in ye olde days wanted to stay here. Once we reached Canada, the difference in border control was hilarious - I've literally had more security checks getting on a rollercoaster. God bless those trusty Canadians.

Montreal, Quebec

We entered French Canada in the evening and were faced with another subway system to get to our third hostel of the trip. The biggest shock at this point was the cold - we'd gone from blazing hot Toronto and New York to rainy Boston and now to a cold Montreal, with the temperatures barely above freezing. That night we checked in late and went to bed, waking up to SNOW in the morning. The first thing we did was to try and get a good view of the city - handily, there's a big fuck off hill called Mont Royal, so we climbed up that, mostly complaining about the cold and looked out at the view. Or at least we would have done, if we could have seen anything past the white fuzz. Nevertheless it was cool being up there. And cold.

We then climbed down from that silliness and had a wander around a dull, grey and pretty much deserted Montreal on a Sunday, a world away from it's "party town" tag. I think we came to Montreal at the wrong time, although through no fault of our own, but we managed to see some nice buildings, get lost in the underground city which was mainly just full of hobos and go to a totally confusing art exhibition - everything else seemed to be closed. Later that day we used my privileges as a Cineplex employee to see Iron Man 2 on the IMAX at "Banque Scotia", a name I find hilarious considering all the films are in English. Montreal is pretty French, but as soon as someone realises you're English (whether you're speaking French or not), they speak it to you, so perhaps I'm taking the wrong attitude, but I don't see the point in speaking French at all. Pardon monsieur. We also visited a few book stores to feed Lev's comic book addiction, which was a long-running theme of the trip. We dropped into a 24-hour arcade on the way back to the hostel, where we gamed the night away for about 20 minutes and ate authentic Montreal poutine... at a burger chain. We did some major league chilling out relaxing at the hostel that night, which would be our last on the road.

The next morning the snow had fucked off and we were leaving, brilliant.

Ottawa, Ontario

So a quick stop off in the nation's capital on the way home and there was only really one place to head for - Parliament Hill. The buildings were impressive and the amount of Canadian flags verged on the insane, but it seemed a nice enough place and we took more than enough photos of buildings, memorials, sculptures and.. flags. We ate in an very strange, empty restaurant and after a few hours of being in Ottawa, got back on the coach to head home to Toronto, where me and Lev spent at least two hours talking utter shite about an idea to introduce snail racing on coaches.

And that was it. The next day we saw another movie at my cinema (look out soon for another movie review blog post, oh man, how excited you must be right now), we had another Toronto walk and then left Lev at Cam's as his house is nearer the subway and he had an early flight to get the next morning.

All in all, the trip was bloody marvellous. My first trip to the States proved to be a memorable one, but most definitely won't be my last and the fact the trip went so smoothly was truly impressive. The travel times were long but didn't ever hinder us, but if I could have changed anything, it would have been nice to spend some more time everywhere. Sadly the restrains of work and Lev's schedule made this not an option - however, I believe we made the most of our time and I'm really glad I did it. And a-thank you for reading. The pictures are all over my facebook mate. Night.

Not a mistake, by a lake

"Paul is the best name ever! After Jesus."

As the volcanic mist clears and the world takes another step towards to it's inevitable doom, I watch Fight Club, eat a Mars Bar and write another monthly update from the "true north strong and free" (I'm still not sure about this one, I mean, it is *A* north, but Sheffield, Leeds, Bradford, Liverpool, Newcastle, *cough* Manchester *cough* is still the "true" north to me, Ee by gum). I haven't got a great deal to report this month, but I feel oddly guilty and creatively bereft if I don't update this little speck of internet filth every so often. So here's another post of bullshit.

So, April. Work is still taking up the majority of my time unsurprisingly, and everything is well.. y'know.. work. I'm still surrounded by beautiful people who make my first proper full time job (ok, hold the "proper) bearable and also still by the very strange Canadian public who say some very strange things. For example, how are you expect to answer when some bloke built like a brick shit house asks you if you think his girlfriend is cute? Do you say "of course" and risk pain for even looking at his girlfriend or say otherwise and risk him getting offended for not finding his girlfriend attractive? It's a total lose lose situation. It's doubly hard when you can never be sure if someone is dead serious or not and then also totally embarrassing when someone thinks you're a moron because you didn't play along with their joke. In conclusion... THE GUEST IS WHY!?!?? *shudder* Anyway, I recently got put in charge of changing posters, which has given me ambitions of quitting the job and just selling all the posters of films that aren't even out yet that we take down and selling them on Ebay. Not really. Maybe.

It's currently under two weeks until my mate Lev coming over and me, him and Cam go on our little jaunt around Lake Ontario, which I'm extremely excited about, although it still hasn't sunk in that I'm going anywhere after not travelling more than a few miles since October (which feels VERY weird). At home, I was always making full use of my Young Persons Railcard (REPRESENT) to go and see someone somewhere, but when you live in such a big place like Toronto, the variety is at your doorstep. Having said that, I'm massively excited about going to America for the first time (n00b) and catching up with an old friend... tourism. Oh and Lev. I just hope that the ruddy smoking mound thing shuts up so his aeroplane can get here. In regards to funding it, things at the cinema have been pretty quiet recently with a lack of blockbuster movies, but I've just about managed to violently steal enough shifts from co-workers to survive and save.

Toronto is pretty warm and sunny at the moment (if it was daytime), but still confuses me with it's sudden change in weather. However, barbecues have already been had and it's not even May yet, which is a total triumph innit?! Everyone wears baseball caps and sunglasses in this city all year round, and finely they're justified. More outdoorsy stuff is certainly on the horizon, probably including being part of the lowest attendance crowds for the Toronto Blue Jays ever. There's talk of camping afoot which would be cool and I hope to finally show off my prowess on the footy pitch again.

There's been even more leaving parties at work and for the English in the past month, which is always sad but blurry. It's times like that they make me kind of nervous that I have to go home in less than four months now, especially since I don't really have much of a plan when I do go back, other than being locked in my room for at least a week penetrating my Xbox. On the flip side, there is certain things (I really crave a proper takeaway curry and a scotch egg sometimes) and of course people I miss at home, but I don't quite know how long it'll be before I'm bored and home and want to break free again. My sketchy plan at the moment involves going home, learning to drive and then trying to get a vague career job and moving out - if that doesn't work out within a year or something, get another Visa and returning to the other side of this wonderful country or going somewhere else. But I'll leave that up to the month of September to decide. Cheers September.

Anyway, oddly enough, films (and a strange Pokemon relapse) are filling the 360 void at the moment, hot tip of the month is definitely Kick Ass, which features a helluva lot of Toronto. It was a total mindfuck for everyone at the staff screening to see their own theatre on a film that was showing at that theatre, and I certainly thought the world was going to explode, I dunno about anyone else. Someone also told me the other day they're going to show World Cup games at work, which would be kind of weird, but once again made me go a bit silly over the upcoming tournament which will make me so patriotic I think I might accidentally beat up a minority. Y'know, or not. Which leads me to the election which I'm probably gonna miss. Do the right thing UK and don't vote Diddy Cameron please? And since when have the Liberal Democrats been serious contenders?! Blimey. If I sort my proxy vote in time I'll be voting big wussy yellow, hurrah!

That's all for now, next blog will tell all of my travels in May, potential plans for summer and my reaction to both Leeds United's moment of glory/total ridiculous embarrassing failure and more than two lines about the election.

Love you,
Paul

Thanks to andreiphotos.blogspot.com who I stole the Tim Hortons photo off without asking. For the uninformed, Tim Hortons is a popular coffee place in Canada, frequented by the homeless and staffed by the non-English speaking, but hey, the donuts are well cheap. In conclusion, you see lots of those cups everywhere.

Survival of the Fattest

"Savage pile-up out there, holy hell!"

As I sit here, in shorts, with the window open and the temperature outside apparently 17 degrees celsius, I am led to believe that I survived the Canadian winter. Ok, so maybe it was a mild one (and you got more snow at home, nerr), but I never had to buy that huge big winter coat or winter boots and somehow pulled through minus twenty-ridiculous temperatures with layers of clothing. Just. That kind of weather is not fun, especially when you're downtown and the horrible icy wind from the tall buildings and the lake is blowing in your face, you just think: "I'D TAKE A RAINY AFTERNOON IN GUISELEY OVER THIS!". Then you look at the CN Tower and come to your senses. But yeah, apologies about not doing a proper blog for about two and a half months (this is me pretending you really care), but look, you're reading this one, so shut up. So what's happened in 2010?

I'm now into the second half of my working visa programme, and the "working" part is still happening. Yeah, I'm still getting paid minimum wage for serving people who seem to lose their common sense as soon as they walk into a movie theatre. And this has become all the more apparent since I was trained on Box Office, which now means I can sell tickets, or alternatively, take abuse and phone calls at Guest Services. I don't mind this role sometimes, it's pretty easy and a bit more dignified than some of the other jobs and you're actually helping people make the biggest decisions they'll make.. in a cinema.. that day. Although at times, it's skull-crushingly dull, especially since our theatre's box office is separated from the level with all the screens and stuff on, so your only company are guests compared to a wealth of lovely co-workers when you work on floor, cleaning theatres and the like (which I actually miss).

Still, work is very regular at the moment and I'm managing to hit 40 hours a week pretty much every week now, which means I can live alright and save (more on that later) - a big difference from the "pay day poverty crawls " of last year...although if I have extra money, it goes on practically nothing because I'm an idiot. The ridiculous late night shifts seem to have disappeared since I was trained on Box as well, as I now work very respectable day shifts - good for some, but this is the first time since probably Year 11 that I've had to get up early everyday for five or six days in a row. And I fucking hate early mornings. What kind of lowlife goes to watch a film at 10.30am? Sub-human scum, that's who.

Aside from work, there's been a few rad happenings, some of which I missed because of work. Shitbags. The ones I did attend included my birthday last week, which was a right mess, running into Mr James Moore of UK Thrash metallers Seregon fame downtown for some chicken n' booze in February and a couple of leaving parties, one for Min at work and another for my housemate Arnaud. My house is still a revolving door of nationalities, two French guys left and an 18-year old Californian model moved in (steady, she's with her brother..not like that.. I don't.. think), but I've really grown to appreciate the place, especially when you come downstairs and there's food on the table, and Carey is like:"Have some food and wine!" and you're like: "No, I'm good man, I've got my own" and he's like "I WON'T REST UNTIL YOU'VE EATEN IT", so you have to eat it, and it's good. There's been heavy doses of cinema watching, drinking non-warm beer and hanging out, maxin', relaxin' etc on my days off in the past couple of months, including a very strange day on a chillier Toronto island recently, which involved a nutter attacking trees and proclaiming he was Satan. That's Toronto for ya. I've also watched quite a lot of (real) football this month, unlike hockey... which brings me onto my next point.

That's right, the Olympic Games happened. Ok, it was at the other side of the country, but everyone went nuts for it over here, especially the hockey. I didn't really pay much interest in it, I watched a few of the events on TV and some of them were pretty interesting, but I was generally very apathetic to it. The Canadians of course, went into patriotic overdrive, which was obvious from the TV coverage which proclaimed that they were going to win everything and everyone else in the world was shit. Turns out they weren't far wrong and I witnessed first-hand patriotism after the gold medal hockey final - me and a mate went to a pub after work on that day whilst the hockey was playing, purposefully going somewhere that didn't have a TV so it'd be a bit quieter -turns out they did have a TV, and upon leaving the place, Toronto seemed to turn into a drunken flag-waving zoo, which was nice to see, I guess. But ultimately, it just made me think: "The World Cup is going to shit all over this". And now, with a little bit of milder weather, I'm looking forward to it even more, roll on June (and please Leeds, don't fuck promotion up..)! Canada is a great country, but hockey is rubbish. Sorry.

The worst thing that has happened in 2010 so far is the fact that I lost my February Metropass in the middle of February, meaning I wasted about sixty bucks of my hard-earned money and lost the freedom to go wherever I wanted for a couple of weeks. Truely heartbreaking. However, I also discovered the wonders of Skype recently, so now I can call home for pennies whenever I want. Add me (lazydog03) if you want to hear how much my accent hasn't changed since I've been away.

My good friend Lev finally booked his flights over for May 3rd the other day, and along with my fellow English Torontonian Cam, we shall finally be escaping T.O for a week! A trip has been planned and estimated for Toronto > New York > Boston > Montreal and then back to reality, so I'm well looking forward to that and getting out of this (lovely) city for a bit. I'll have more about that trip next time, or maybe just pictures from it if I don't pull my finger out and only write a blog when I come back. It seems very odd that I'm using money I've saved up whilst over here to pay for this trip considering I was scraping by to even survive back in November. I'm so glad I got more regular hours at work or I don't think I'd be going anywhere until I went home, which would have been a bit of a waste of an opportunity.

As for my plans after this, currently, all I know is I have a flight booked home for August 12th. I'll be back at the cinema straight after I come back from this trip in May and probably work like a prisoner of war horse until July, when I'll do the second round of travelling. At the moment, I'm contemplating getting a Greyhound North American pass thing, which is usually 200 dollars for seven days, but apparently, if you're a HI-hostel member which I am, you can upgrade it to 15 days for free , which seems so liberating to me - you could literally go anywhere in Canada or the US for dirt cheap. This is still a foetus of an idea and I still fancy exploring Eastern Canada more, so there could even be three trips in the works - stay tuned for useless information you don't care about! Hooray!

That's it for now. Thanks for reading and a special thank you for anyone who's complimented my blog in real life or on Facebook, you're my heroes. Toronto is still being good to me. Now excuse me, I must drink some of this Canada Dry and beat up a raccoon. Good evening.

Films are good

So, I've been working at a cinema for four and a half months. Now, I'm no film expert and at home, I don't tend to watch many films; I much prefer melting my mind with comedy series if I'm gonna watch anything on a screen. But what with the free films and the nature of working at a cinema, i.e the endless constant bombardment of the line "Have you seen..." from both guests and co-workers alike, it's hard to ignore them. Nights I would have spent lying in bed watching Family Guy or SHOCK HORROR spending it in the company of real people, turn into "Wanna go see a movie?" or more often "Paul, let's go see a movie...please." The free-ness of it all has also been a godsend when spending 12.50 on a movie would mean you're eating sweetcorn for the next week.

I worked out that I've watched 18 films on the big screen in approximately 18 weeks. Using my powers of mathematics and my B at GCSE maths, I have therefore come to the conclusion that that's one a week. So, to celebrate this seriously non-momentous and utterly pointless event, here's a short review of each one. I've also been watching a helluva lot more films in general, but if I counted them I might as well review every film I've ever seen and that's not the way I roll madam. TAKE IT FROM THE TOP!

- District Nine
Totally brilliant sci-fi action about a load of (mainly) stupid aliens getting stuck in Johannesburg and the explosive struggle between them and humanity (Or lack of it, ooh, biting). The main guy is awesome, turning from comedy buffoon, to oppressor, to whimpering wreck, to badass saviour, to coward and finally to a self-sacrificing hero. Some intelligent messages, always keeps you on edge and horrendously cool. The first film I saw when I got here and still the best. Buy it, rent it, stream it, you fukken prawn! 10/10

- Inglorious Basterds
Ooh, look at me, I'm Quentin Tarantino, I'm all trendy because I spelt the name of the film all wrong and ooh, here's a shot of a woman eating some bread slowly, ooh let's zoom in, ooh. Ooh. Ok, despite the fact Tarantino always does the same ruddy shots or whatever, this film was pretty good. A load of Jewish soldiers basically kill Nazis in France, and the film revolves around a plot to blow a load of high ranking ones up. Another one that keeps you on edge with some pretty extreme twists, Brad Pitt was pretty funny and lots of gratuitous violence never hurt anyone. Badoom-tsh. The Jew Hunter bloke was also a very good acting person. 8/10

- Capitalism: A Love Story
Michael Moore is at it again! The "fat socialist weasel", as Trey Parker and Matt Stone once referred to him as, tells us, the American public... er.. to wake up and smell the coffee (BUT NOT FROM STARBUCKS LOLOLOLOL) in another documentary tracing back the history of capitalism and why everything is bad for people nowadays you get the picture i.e etc forever. Some good stories and case studies, too much black and white illustrative footage and too much of the hideously ugly Mikey on screen, but definitely makes you think. Bowling for Columbine was better. 7/10

- Zombieland
Some guy that looks kind of like Michael Cera and plays an exact replica of a Michael Cera character in a zombie apocalypse, meets that bloke from Cheers and learns to kill zombies in funny ways for our amusement. Best bit by far was the cameo from Bill Murray and the whole situation that surrounds it, I didn't find the rest of it as funny as some of the audience who appeared to be each having an epileptic fit, three heart attacks and a stroke everytime a zombie got smashed in the head. It was just fine. I prefer zombie films that are unintentionally funny. Or Dead Rising on Xbox 360, which it was kind of like, but with better controls (i.e IT HAD NONE COS IT WAS A FILM WHICH IS BETTER THAN THE SHIT ONES THAT RUDDY GAME HAD!) Or Shaun of The Dead. 6/10

- The Damned United
It's kind of bizarre to me that this film was even shown in Toronto; being based around a famous-in-his-own-country English football manager in the North of England in the 70s. I'd read the book and knew plenty about "Cloughie" through various TV documentaries, so to see it come to life on the big screen with a quality actor (Mr Sheen..Michael Sheen) was awesome. The relationship between Clough and Peter Taylor was portrayed as a bizarrely homo-erotic one, but some solid acting made it all very believable. A film your Dad would love if he supported Leeds in the 70s, or hated Leeds in the 70s (which is more likely). 7/10

- The Men Who Stare At Goats
Ok, so I saw the trailer to this and thought: "This looks rubbish." And it totally was. Apparently based on a true story, Obi Wan Kenobi meets George Clooney in the Middle East and they pretend to be able to knock over goats with their minds or some shit. But frankly, nothing happened - pure dullness. For a "comedy", there was a complete lack of jokes and there were more flashbacks than Family Guy, except not even half as funny. The only redeeming feature was the message, but I didn't need to watch a shit film with a shit title to take that in. 4/10

- The Road
Probably the most depressing film I've ever seen, The Road is all about Aragorn and his kid walking a long a FUCKING ROAD YOU SHIT in an apocalyptic America. They don't really meet anyone apart from nasty cannibals but are kept going by the bond between a father and a son. And it worked - a feeling of complete hopelessness runs through the film, but little moments make you well up (inside). I couldn't watch it again though, it was too draining. You could just watch Goof Troop if you wanted non-depressing lessons in parenthood as well, just saying... 7/10

- Pirate Radio
Knockabout British feel-good comedy with, oddly, a different title to the British version. All based around the true story of "Pirate" radio stations in the sea in the 60s who would play RAAAAAWK and roll - my Mum once told me she listened to them - trivial trivia for yo' ass. Some good stars in this, Nick Frost, that idiot manager bloke from Flight of the Choncords... and some ones that get on my nerves - Rhys Efans. But genuinely funny - I thought it'd be too sappy coming from the same guy who bums Hugh Grant, but it balanced good jokes with a story and you even cared about the characters at the end, which is always a bonus. 7/10

- Red Cliff
Big fighty Chinese war epic. Not much else to say apart from that, other than IT WAS AWESOME! Huge fuck-off battle scenes and brilliant depictions of some very clever war tactics which proved war IS cool - in your anus Edwin Starr! Kind of like watching Lord of The Rings without Orcs. I read the Chinese Army "donated" 100,000 troops to be extras, which was nice of them. It was subtitled, which is a shame, I would have preferred a comedy dub!! Not really. 9/10

- 2012
Jesus Christ. Totally over the top apocalyptic cash-in on the whole Mayan calendar gubbins. 2012 just made me laugh in amazement at some of the ridiculous balls that happened. For example, they're in this huge Noah's Ark-like boat near the end, and suddenly there's a Titanic moment, except it's not an iceberg, IT'S RUDDY MOUNT EVEREST! Yeah, the special effects were impressive but.. I couldn't take this seriously at all. Bad acting, bad writing, bad bad bad. Expect this to play on TV a lot in 2012... IF WE'RE STILL ALIVE!!!!1111111 Rubbish. 3/10

- Invictus
Morgan Freeman playing Nelson Mandela and Matt Damon playing Francois Pienaar?! Excuse me!? Here we have surprisingly alright South African accents in a sort of biopic about Mandela, but all based around the "Regby Wurld Cap". I dunno, maybe filming all the "regby" scenes in slow motion was meant to mean something Clint, but I didn't get it. There wasn't enough grittiness for my liking, Mandela's struggle didn't come across enough and at the end of the day, maybe it's because I'm not a fan of "regby", but it just bored me. It's probably a crime to dislike this, sorry Nelson. 5/10

- Avatar
Well.. I've watched this film a countless amount of times doing IMAX shifts at work, and in all honesty, I think it does deserve the praise it's got. If you don't know what it's about you're an idiot. Yeah, it's definitely not the best film ever made, but it deserves its stupid high revenues. Sure, the story might be a rip off of Pocohontas and it's hilariously written in parts and blah blah blah, but it's genuinely gripping, you definitely feel for the blue monkeys and the action scenes were top class. The IMAX also makes everything very romantic. Don't slag it off. 9/10

- The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Batshit-insane sort of British movie from Terry Gilliam about... I don't know. Totally nutbar. Heath Ledger died during it, probably because HIS RUDDY HEAD CAME OFF! Was that insensitive? I'm gonna say no. Some good performances from people that came in to play his character afterwards and the guy who plays the devil(?). Maybe it comes across as too disjointed and ridiculous for it's own good and becomes pretentious, I'm not sure, I still don't really know what happened during the time it was on screen. Entertaining though. 6/10

- High Life
I watched a Canadian film, and y'know what, it liked it a lot. The title sounds like a subtitle to a friggin' Harold and Kumar movie, but it's much more stylish than that kettle of fish. The story revolves around four blokes addicted to morphine who try and pull off a bank job. And the film works. Funny, clever and just a cool film. Like if you just saw it you'd be like: "Yeah dawg, dat shit was cool". That cool. Some great acting as well. 8/10

- The Book of Eli
Denzel is back as a badass Mad Max type character who walks around (another) post-apocalyptic wasteland trying to deliver his book somewhere. When I saw this at first, I liked it - some top notch action scenes, Denzel and Gary Oldman were good and it was kind of refreshing to see a good old-fashioned cat and mouse chase between a hero and a big nasty boss and his cronies. But later on, I realised just how ridiculous some of the "twists" are and how confused some of the messages from the film seen. Plus Mila Kunis is in no way a badass, I mean.. she's Meg. A mixed bag then. 6/10

- Daybreakers
Take a totally original concept - everyone in the world is a vampire apart from the odd few remaining humans, and the vampires are running out of blood which they need to live or they go all weird - and ruin it with some totally retarded (but funny) over-the-top violence and gore straight out of a old fashioned zombie flick. Ok, maybe ruin is a strong word. Saying it "destroyed the atmosphere" would be a better way of putting it - the film went from being quite stylish to being hilarious. And William Dafoe was gash, as was his "solution", as were the totally shit vampires who hadn't had enough blood - they just looked like Golems with wings. But totally entertaining, a million miles from Twilight (up yours, womankind!), but flawed. 7/10

- Sherlock Holmes
Guy Ritchie does a non-gangster film and he pulls it off, cor blimey guvnor, you slaaaaaag ad nauseam forever. Still, it's set in London of course and casts Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson as more kick ass than they were in ye olde books (probably). The whole film was a proper good old fashioned mystery, a mixture between Diagnosis Murder, any James Bond Film and.. well.. Sherlock Holmes.. ahem. Some great characters, action-packed, kept you guessing and not a dodgy cockney accent in site, fuck - well done. 8/10

- Legion
And so to the last.. and probably the worst. I knew this looked bad from the trailer, but like a horrific car crash, I was just too curious.. and I paid in lost brain cells and two hours of my time. So basically God wants to destroy humanity now for some reason, but one angel still has faith, so goes to some old cafe during the apocalypse (ANOTHER! This time biblical..) and protects a bint who has the fetus of the next jesus up in her womb. There's also some other characters who end up there, but most of them die. And that's pretty much it. The demons are totally ridiculous and non-scary, there's so many pointless and unexplainable bits in the movie and it all takes itself so seriously, I can't believe anyone would ever like this ever. They totally gave away the most surprising bits in the trailer as well. IDIOTS. Why the hell do angels have to use machine guns? Why can't they use angel powers?! Awful shit. 2/10

And that's it. Hopefully I'll see another 18 before I go and review them all for you. Unless you found this boring and too long, in which case, go and read your mum. I heard she's a great.. book (get it). Cheers.

Maximum respect

Full story here.

Not much to say about this one apart from "LOL!". I love how the guy who took the picture feels guilty now about how that worker is probably going to get fired. If someone took a picture like this in England, they'd probably be foaming at the mouth and wouldn't rest until he was on the streets with only a cardboard sign to his name...

I do see a lot of TTC workers lounging around though which, when they apparently get paid quite a lot (I mean, how hard is driving a tram IN A STRAIGHT LINE!?), shouldn't really happen, eh?

TOthousand and TOn in TO

"This isn't cold. I'm not even wearing my winter jacket!"

Yo, I finally found enough motivation to write another one of these and hey, it's a new decade after all. Or is it? Someone argued with me last week about the fact that this isn't a new decade, because they started at 1AD, not 0AD, when Mary squeezed out that magic fetus amongst disease-ridden donkeys in a wooden shack in the modern day Gaza Strip (or whatever). I choose to ignore them. Happy New Decade you arse! But anyway, what's been going on since I last blogged way back in November...

Well, work. And a lot of it. I was finally freed from the shackles of popcorn selling in December and given the run of the cinema. That's right, I now get to do jobs as varied as ripping up people's tickets, walking into theatres and making a noise to check if anyone else is making a noise, cleaning people's mess after the shows, cleaning people's mess in the toilets or (and this one's been quite prominent this month), sitting in our big IMAX and making sure no one steals the 3D glasses, which are apparently worth 40 bucks or something. I don't understand why everyone gets excited about IMAX, I mean, it's alright, but there's one in fucking Bradford, and it's got a museum with it...

Part of the reason I've been working so much and in IMAX is because of that film about the Iraq war the blue men, y'know, Smurfatar. Avatwat. Avargoifyouthinkyerardenoughtar. It's a pretty good film and most definitely impressive, despite a pretty rubbish story, but it's been sold out on IMAX everyday since it's release and the regular 3D shows also tend to sell very well, which meant that over the Christmas period at least, I did nine out of 10 days, with Christmas Day my only respite (which was a bloody good respite, more on that later). I've seen the film way too many times now though and find it more interesting staring at guests or at the wall, which is a shame. Working a great deal has been a bit of a hard hitting novelty for me, considering I've never really worked fulltime. It's also a ballache when you have to count all the glasses at the end of the day and miss the last subway and have to wait for the nightbus in the bitter, freezing, hellish cold....

Oh yes, the cold. Last blog I complained about the lack of snow. Well, to be honest, we haven't had much. It seems there's been a lot more of the white stuff (easy) at home which is very strange. But I doubt they've had "feels like -29 degrees celsius" temperatures at home. I'm not programmed for this kind of weather, my face tends to go redder than usual and I can't feel any of my toes. And yet Torontonians (see subtitle) still call me a pansy and tell me this isn't cold. HOW MUCH COLDER DO YOU WANT TO GO!? It slightly concerns me that there's months of this yet and my primary goal is to survive.

But anyway, despite the long hours and coldness, I still don't hate work and it's having its advantages. I'm still living on the worst food possible for my health at work, yet the amount of walking around I do has caused me to lose weight and feel generally fitter. And of course, I'm getting paid more, so instead of buying one tin of tuna, I might buy two tins and a tin of sweetcorn. And a high quality carrot. No but seriously, the extra money, plus the funds I got from my family for Christmas, will bolster my bank account so I can escape the city whilst I'm still legally allowed to be in this country. Oh and also, I've been eating these.. the best cookies.. no.. food I think I've ever tasted, along with Pop Tarts. They're like crack. Except crack isn't on offer at Walmart. Everyone start putting money into my Paypal account, and I'll bring you some back. Probably.



So yeah, other than work... CHRISTMAS! Yes, that happened. This one was the first time away from my family, and I was very kindly invited to Steve and Sophie's, fellow British people, where a load of us had a very British Christmas, eating too much and drinking too much. I managed to call my family on Christmas Day and of course, that time of the year is always where you're gonna be thinking about your producers and fellow producees more and of course, although I haven't really been homesick since I've been here, I do miss my family, naturally. I bought myself some trainers and a pair of Gears of War boxer shorts, the latter of which are probably the coolest gift anyone has ever bought me. Take note, everyone else.

A few days later and it was New Years Eve. For me, the most overrated night of the year and despite being in a different country, it still blew chunks. Literally. Playing catch up made me go home early and make a mess of the subway (SO sorry TTC cleaners). At least I got to see in the New Year. Also this month I went to some lovely celebrations of birthdays.

On the downside, some lovely people left the country. Ahh.. the downsides of being a traveller. R.I.P Vanesa from work, Aidan from my house and if I didn't mention it, Mr Daniel Thornton from err. Bradford. All shall be missed.

In sports news, I worked the NFL Bills vs Jets game at the Rogers Centre. Once a year, The Buffalo Bills (a rubbish team) play a game in Toronto and naturally, I was excited at seeing "futuristic rugby", as I've played Madden games for years and since I've been over here, watched plenty of it on TV (It's better than ice hockey, come on. And I just saw an advert for "The National World Cup of Curling".. Canadian sports blow). So I was vastly disappointed when, after serving fat Americans buffalo wings (whatever they are) for hours, I got a break at midnight and I could finally sneak out and have a look at the game. Of course, it was over and I went home disappointed. CHAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEE!1111111

Another sporting disappointment occurred yesterday. Well, of course, it wasn't disappointing, it was the biggest victory my beloved Leeds United have had in years, yet I missed it because I was sleeping. ARGHHHHH!

2010 then. Have my plans changed? They change all the time. Originally it was to stay here until spring, then go to Vancouver and work. But I'm not so sure now, after the hassle of finding a job in Toronto, and the fact I'm not a wealthy man to be able to fund myself without a job for very long. But, as long as I get to a few trips out - Montreal, New York and something incredibly great outdoors-ish WILL be done - I'll be happy. And with the extra hours at work, I will definitely get to trek out of the city for the first time in almost three months, like a clear air deprived Victorian smog monkey-child.

I've also had ideas recently about doing this whole thing again but going and staying out west instead as I'm technically doing this "working holiday" as a student, and I'm allowed to do it once again before I'm 30, so.. we shall see. Another thing to look forward to are the visits from buddies at home in the next few months, which will be proper champion. Seriously, if anyone is thinking of coming or is gonna be around, PLEASE let me know, I'd love to put you up and show you around. I might let you touch me as well.

So everything is cool yo, don't worry. I can see the CN Tower from my window and Canadian Blind Date is about to start. Ahem. Bye for now!