Game Review: Bieber Kisser

Oh hey there! It's been a while, sorry about that. I thought I'd have a pop at game reviewing, because plenty of people with no talent write absolute shite about quality games everyday. Therefore, I'm using my quality talent to write about an absolute shite game. ENJOY!


Sometimes, you see things on the internet so disgusting that you have to go and stare at your cat's lovely little face for 10 minutes so you can sleep at night. 2girls1cup, beheading videos or that clip of the race where a race marshall gets run over by an F1 car live on TV come to mind. But forget those. Think of the goriest thing you've ever seen and then imagine if you saw it on an IMAX screen in a scary old cinema, with deafening opera music playing and all the other seats occupied by dead babies. Only then will you come anywhere near the horror I witnessed upon discovering "Bieber Kisser". And I don't even have a fucking cat to look at.

"Sneak up on Justin and give him a smooch!"

Now, obviously this game isn't aimed at me. Last time I checked, I wasn't an 11-year-old girl who believes Justin Bieber is actually Jesus and that it's my destiny to let Bieber deflower me or I'll never get into Hogwarts and give birth to a Jonas brother. Or y'know, whatever they like. Moams and Polly Pocket? I won't go into why I dislike Justin Bieber, because it should be obvious and I assume by reading this you're not really keen on him much either (if you REALLY need a reason, click here). I mean.. look at him.


I am allowed, however, to question just how ridiculous this piece of shit for a game really is. Yeah, it's for pre-pubescent girlscouts, but there's a million better games; there's even a thousand better games on the site it's on. If you called this game "Alan Rickman Kisser", I doubt it'd get such an audience. Gay Canadian Peter Pan is the only reason anyone is playing this non-ironically, so the developers obviously thought they could jizz out any old spunk and the ad money would roll in. And wow, did they ejaculate some lazy, vitamin-starved game-sperm. Disgusting, lazy game sperm. Sperm that even Justin Bieber would spit out in disgust (hyuck hyuck).

"Time to prove you're Bieber's #1 Fan! Get backstage and kiss him!"

The aim of the game is, simply, to get off with the kid. You play what appears to be a fully grown woman, dressed in your finest slag attire, who has to make it past security guards and random people at a Bieber show in order to achieve.. what exactly? Does this not strike you as creepy? Should a game where breaking the law in order to kiss and presumably shag a kid who is too old for you (or too young if you see yourself as the character) be marketed to 11-year-olds?


Bieber Kisser is essentially a stealth game, typically the subject of serious console titles such as Splinter Cell or Metal Gear Solid, but here scaled back to it's bare bones to encourage breaking, entering and molesting to a whole new generation of "tweens". Security guards and other random people sitting around, including Bieber clones (couldn't you just get off with them instead?), men with laptops/newspapers/drinking coke and most worryingly, what appear to be proper groupies, all have lines of sight that must be avoided in order to reach the door to the next room. If you get caught in a line of sight, you're shown a horribly upsetting game over screen with what sounds like the Seinfeld bass interlude, announcing:

"Oh no, how will you show Justin that you are his number one fan?"

There's a paltry four small, bland levels, the last of which holds the boy wonder himself. There is a timer that you won't need as there's endless continues and a score that means nothing. You only need your arrow keys, there ain't no kerazy power-ups around here. It all lasts about five minutes. The effort and variety here is pretty much non-existent. Next time, try a bit harder eh? Here's some ideas for the sequel, addictinggames:

1) A level where you have to sneak past notorious woman beater and Bieber friend Chris Brown, who if you alert, will punch your bitch face in until the cops show up.

2) A level where you have to fight off a number of other Justin Bieber fangirls, Mortal Kombat style, using only your highheels and rape alarm. FATALITY!

3) Beat off Bieber. Button mashing.

The levels the games does have are accompanied by music which sounds like it's been ripped from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air at times and backing tracks from The Backstreet Boys at others. I mean, surely they could have at least tried to mimic some Justin Bieber tracks or something? Sloppy. Anyway, once you've finally worked your way past the most retarded security guards ever and the smacked out groupies, you finally get to live out your wildest fantasies:



Great. The game isn't promoting safe sex either. Look at that last screen; Bieber is loving it and your character is freeze-framed in a position where she appears to be manically humping the shit out of the gurning dickhead. And that's it. You can then "tell the world that you kissed Justin Bieber!", or slam the nearest sharp object into your eye until you can't see this shit anymore, which, believe me, is a much better option.

No matter how much escapism or fantasy this is for a 11-year-old, I'd rather have any kids of mine play anything other than it. It's lazily made and creepy and a complete waste of time. If they did play it, I'm sure they'd even look back years later on 2girls1cup as being less disgusting to watch than playing this.

But then again, why should I care? His fans love it!

redrosie12
"i love this game!!!!!i wish i could do tht to him"
(1 week ago)

Fair point I guess.

supastar159
"i kissed him 5 times in a row i love u justin!!"
(1 week ago)

Bit excessive, but ok..

JBlover131
"PLZ GET ME JUSTIN BIEBER'S CELL PHONE NUMBER I LOVE HIM AND IM LIKE HIS #1 FAN I HAVE 1000 OF POSTERS OF HIM ON MY WALL PLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ GET ME HIS CELL PHONE NUMBER PLZZZZZZZ"
(1 week ago)

Jesus. Ban this shit.

1/10

Or play it here: http://www.addictinggames.com/bieberkisser.html

Paul

Why you bought the wrong coloured box: Nintendo I wuv woo!

This blog is incredibly out of line with my other postings, but.. shut up. Here it is, first drafted before I even came to Canada. But it's as potent as ever. Especially since I miss gaming out here. A LOT.

The other night I had a dream that I was in a video game. I was stood in a room, and wave after waves of enemies kept streaming through the doors. At first, the enemies were rubbish sort of spiders that luckily, I could smash with an at hand black mallet. But progressively, the enemies got harder. Eventually, it turned out a bunch of indestructible Nintendo characters (I specifically remember Mario and Wario) were running at me, and instead of a black mallet, I was armed with a load of toilet rolls. Yeah, brilliant power up, thanks. So basically, after chucking a few rolls at them to no avail, the only option I had was to throw the characters themselves out of a nearby window. So I picked up Wario and threw him out of the Velux window, just like the one in my bedroom. I then looked out and noticed that all the rain gutters down the street were filled with soggy Nintendo characters.

Right so, anyway... the dream is blatantly a bastard offspring of the fact I've been playing a lot of Nintendo games recently. Through a combination of being skint because of the lack of shifts at work, the fact I have to save for Canada and being subsequently bored because I don't really have any money to do stuff, I've been spending some quality time in a low maintenance relationship with existing electronic boxes. I've been playing a lot of Xbox 360, which I love to bits, but recently I felt something was missing. That's when I discovered a Nintendo Game Boy Advance on Ebay for an amazing seven quid, with free delivery and bugger me, Sonic 2 Advance. Since then, I've been picking up classic GBA games such as Advance Wars, Mario vs Donkey Kong, Zelda Minish Cap and Warioland for a few beans each, and they're bloody brilliant!

Now, the last Nintendo console I owned was a Gamecube. I've shunned some of the new fangled bits of plastic for reasons I shall go into. But this purple (*snigger*) handheld has brought my unnatural love for a multinational corporation right back. But why the shit did I think that in the first place?

ITSA MEEEEEE!
Ninty, The Big N, McNin and the Ten Do... was an integral part of my childhood. After a few years of playing an ugly beige Amiga Commodore, my parents gave me a SNES for Christmas one year with Super Mario Allstars. I was probably about six or so. Suddenly, a whole new world was opened to my tiny mind. The thing was just... fucking cool! Colourful, fun and exciting. I may have come late to the Mario party thanks to being born late, but the compilation of NES remakes destroyed my Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle figures or even the frankly amazing Playmobil sets with the men that I used to chew the hair off of.



As it went on, games like Super Mario Kart, The Legend of Zelda, Star Fox, and the utterly beautiful Donkey Kong Country series continued to metaphorically suck me off. And as I gained ages, I went straight for a N64 over one of them vastly more popular, new-fangled, Sony Playstations. I remember playing Super Mario 64 in a shop just as the machine was being launched and once again, a multinational corporation managed to blow my now slightly older but relatively tiny mind. The game was fully 3D! Mario moved around like a real person! I'd crossed the fourth wall!

I dreamt about that game for a long time, and played it, and loved it as I did with a great number of classic N64 titles, some of which were made by other companies exclusively for it (Rare were also beasts, let's face it) - Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Diddy Kong Racing, Goldeneye (Me and my mate once beat a bloke who was offering 25 quid to anyone who could beat him at it at a Christmas fair, probably the best moment of my life. Absolutely no idea how we did it, we were both rubbish, but I played as Oddjob and ran around punching him in the chobs and it worked), Banjo-Kazooie, Super Smash Bros and Donkey Kong 64... the list goes on.

And it continued once again when I made the jump to the Gamecube, once again, ignoring the now TWO consoles (the original Xbox and PS2) who were destroying Nintendo in the sales wars like King Kong (Microsoft) and Godzilla (Sony..I'm the cleverest) beating a frail Japanese man over the head with bits of wood, with the man only staying alive by occasionally coughing up a Gameboy or a yellow pocket monster.



But that was the thing y'see. As Nintendo progressively fell from grace in the home console wars, after the heady days of the NES to the almost embarrassing sales lows of the Gamecube, I always continued to stick with them and love their games and their characters like they needed me and I needed them. Even when they kept shedding popular, violent, blood thirsty carnivals of third party titles like a rapidly balding man, it just increased the interest for me to play more Nintendo games and use the wonder of the internet to download games from the last 25 years or so that I'd missed out on.

And this, when, in my experience, they'd never really been the popular choice. Sure, everyone had a Gameboy, but I knew so many more people with Sega Megadrives, with PSones and PS2s. Sonic (who I like, but he's no patch on the sacred plumber) and even bloody Crash Bandicoot (UNBELIEVABLE) were seen as cooler than Mario at school because they weren't fat, moustached Italians. But I never took any notice.

You're thinking why, right? You're not? Well... you are now.



You're the dork Paul!
Y'see, there's something about Nintendo that has always appealed to me. Sure, my Dad shoved the SNES on me because someone at work probably recommended it. And I sure as hell didn't go out and choose it. So yes, perhaps some of why I love Nintendo so much is because it reminds me of my childhood or that I have a brand loyalty for it like people dry hump Apple or McDonalds or something. But I've never been one for that really, I'd gladly buy another PC or burger if it was better (or cheaper.. Rustlers burgers are actually not bad for a quid and you get a piece of plastic cheese AND some knock off ketchup). So it's not that.

It's something to do with the creativity, the magic.. the little in jokes.. the rewards you get from the games. The craziness of it all. I mean COME ON. A monkey who wears a tie. A frog who flys a spaceship. And they're MORE than novelties... they play like a dream. The way they take their core characters and give them their own games and identities. And then there's the beauty. Metroid, Zelda, Pikmin, the original Donkey Kong Country games - the atmosphere, everything just seems to be CONSISTENTLY right. The fact they remain the only first party developer to have an identity with their own consoles to showcase them on.

I love the way there's never any difficulty level in Nintendo games because they can be blasted through as quick as you want, or you can take time to find everything and enjoy the game, and it progressively gets harder as you do. The way that they seem to have a startling record for not making duff games. The sheer playability, fun factor and "pick up and play" value. The way their first party titles can be literally played by anyone and enjoyed at so many levels.



I also have a lot of respect for the way Nintendo shuns gory violence. I get a proper kick out of GTA and Gears of War and all that shooty bloodlust, but I've always admired how Nintendo make pure fun games without resorting to the obvious. Their products have always FELT cool as well. The N64 controller looked like a fucking star ship! And it's not just looks - when have you heard of Nintendo consoles failing to read discs or carts or crashing and glitching? Very rare.

What now?
Anyway, after the Gamecube died on it's sorry arse, the Wii and the DS came a long and everything seemed to change for me. From what I could make of it, it seemed a bit of a cheap novelty. I didn't want to WAVE plastic around or control it like a bloody pen, I wanted to bash it. Why did Wii games look no better than Gamecube games?! And where were all the quirky characters? Bland avatars? Cooking mama? Brain training? Wii Fit? WHERE'S YOSHI?!

From what I've played of both consoles, there's still plenty of good games, and of course, franchises and stuff have carried on. Nintendo by their own admission set their stall out early and told the public they weren't directly competing with the 360 or PS3. So as many people and even itself agree, Nintendo seems to have cast off its hardcore audience these days to cater for the casual gamer, for your Uncle and his mates. It's a bit of a shame really, and the reason why I bought an original Xbox and a 360 - because those heartless bastards cater for my merciless bloodlust and brutal carnage. COS I'M WELL 'ARD!

But I still have faith in Nintendo. When it can pull off such beauty as Hyrule field at dawn in Zelda: Ocarina of Time (still my favourite game of all time) or the addictiveness of multiplayer Super Smash Bros or Pokemon, I know Nintendo will ALWAYS make good games, whether they are hidden among a tidal wave of games which teach you how to tie your hair into knots, or not. I also know they're still making brilliant original games and not just relying on the same old characters that I know and love - Pikmin and the Advance Wars series come to mind specifically and I'm sure the future will bring many more batshit insane franchises. But don't forget Nintendo is probably the best at recycling characters time and time again and still achieving results - the recent Mario RPGs on the handhelds are a testament to this.

Wrap it up Grandad
So this is why I now smile when I see more Wiis in houses than anything else. Or when I type "Mario" into Google. There's MILLIONS of people who still hold Nintendo in high regard and not just skinny emo kids with metal NES controller belts. I mean, you're bound to see at least one Mario and Luigi at a (good) Halloween party.

A good friend from my childhood is alive and well. Perhaps he's gone a little bit off the rails. Perhaps he's a bit money hungry. Perhaps the mainstream respect and success which he's longed for since the mid 90s has gone to his head. But he's not dead. And his soul lives.

And I still love him more than ever.

Thanks.. Shigsy!?



Yes, I stole all these pictures from Google images. Fight me. Watch out next blog (FUCK, ANOTHER?!) where I review some movies or some shit. Bye.