Not a mistake, by a lake

"Paul is the best name ever! After Jesus."

As the volcanic mist clears and the world takes another step towards to it's inevitable doom, I watch Fight Club, eat a Mars Bar and write another monthly update from the "true north strong and free" (I'm still not sure about this one, I mean, it is *A* north, but Sheffield, Leeds, Bradford, Liverpool, Newcastle, *cough* Manchester *cough* is still the "true" north to me, Ee by gum). I haven't got a great deal to report this month, but I feel oddly guilty and creatively bereft if I don't update this little speck of internet filth every so often. So here's another post of bullshit.

So, April. Work is still taking up the majority of my time unsurprisingly, and everything is well.. y'know.. work. I'm still surrounded by beautiful people who make my first proper full time job (ok, hold the "proper) bearable and also still by the very strange Canadian public who say some very strange things. For example, how are you expect to answer when some bloke built like a brick shit house asks you if you think his girlfriend is cute? Do you say "of course" and risk pain for even looking at his girlfriend or say otherwise and risk him getting offended for not finding his girlfriend attractive? It's a total lose lose situation. It's doubly hard when you can never be sure if someone is dead serious or not and then also totally embarrassing when someone thinks you're a moron because you didn't play along with their joke. In conclusion... THE GUEST IS WHY!?!?? *shudder* Anyway, I recently got put in charge of changing posters, which has given me ambitions of quitting the job and just selling all the posters of films that aren't even out yet that we take down and selling them on Ebay. Not really. Maybe.

It's currently under two weeks until my mate Lev coming over and me, him and Cam go on our little jaunt around Lake Ontario, which I'm extremely excited about, although it still hasn't sunk in that I'm going anywhere after not travelling more than a few miles since October (which feels VERY weird). At home, I was always making full use of my Young Persons Railcard (REPRESENT) to go and see someone somewhere, but when you live in such a big place like Toronto, the variety is at your doorstep. Having said that, I'm massively excited about going to America for the first time (n00b) and catching up with an old friend... tourism. Oh and Lev. I just hope that the ruddy smoking mound thing shuts up so his aeroplane can get here. In regards to funding it, things at the cinema have been pretty quiet recently with a lack of blockbuster movies, but I've just about managed to violently steal enough shifts from co-workers to survive and save.

Toronto is pretty warm and sunny at the moment (if it was daytime), but still confuses me with it's sudden change in weather. However, barbecues have already been had and it's not even May yet, which is a total triumph innit?! Everyone wears baseball caps and sunglasses in this city all year round, and finely they're justified. More outdoorsy stuff is certainly on the horizon, probably including being part of the lowest attendance crowds for the Toronto Blue Jays ever. There's talk of camping afoot which would be cool and I hope to finally show off my prowess on the footy pitch again.

There's been even more leaving parties at work and for the English in the past month, which is always sad but blurry. It's times like that they make me kind of nervous that I have to go home in less than four months now, especially since I don't really have much of a plan when I do go back, other than being locked in my room for at least a week penetrating my Xbox. On the flip side, there is certain things (I really crave a proper takeaway curry and a scotch egg sometimes) and of course people I miss at home, but I don't quite know how long it'll be before I'm bored and home and want to break free again. My sketchy plan at the moment involves going home, learning to drive and then trying to get a vague career job and moving out - if that doesn't work out within a year or something, get another Visa and returning to the other side of this wonderful country or going somewhere else. But I'll leave that up to the month of September to decide. Cheers September.

Anyway, oddly enough, films (and a strange Pokemon relapse) are filling the 360 void at the moment, hot tip of the month is definitely Kick Ass, which features a helluva lot of Toronto. It was a total mindfuck for everyone at the staff screening to see their own theatre on a film that was showing at that theatre, and I certainly thought the world was going to explode, I dunno about anyone else. Someone also told me the other day they're going to show World Cup games at work, which would be kind of weird, but once again made me go a bit silly over the upcoming tournament which will make me so patriotic I think I might accidentally beat up a minority. Y'know, or not. Which leads me to the election which I'm probably gonna miss. Do the right thing UK and don't vote Diddy Cameron please? And since when have the Liberal Democrats been serious contenders?! Blimey. If I sort my proxy vote in time I'll be voting big wussy yellow, hurrah!

That's all for now, next blog will tell all of my travels in May, potential plans for summer and my reaction to both Leeds United's moment of glory/total ridiculous embarrassing failure and more than two lines about the election.

Love you,
Paul

Thanks to andreiphotos.blogspot.com who I stole the Tim Hortons photo off without asking. For the uninformed, Tim Hortons is a popular coffee place in Canada, frequented by the homeless and staffed by the non-English speaking, but hey, the donuts are well cheap. In conclusion, you see lots of those cups everywhere.

Survival of the Fattest

"Savage pile-up out there, holy hell!"

As I sit here, in shorts, with the window open and the temperature outside apparently 17 degrees celsius, I am led to believe that I survived the Canadian winter. Ok, so maybe it was a mild one (and you got more snow at home, nerr), but I never had to buy that huge big winter coat or winter boots and somehow pulled through minus twenty-ridiculous temperatures with layers of clothing. Just. That kind of weather is not fun, especially when you're downtown and the horrible icy wind from the tall buildings and the lake is blowing in your face, you just think: "I'D TAKE A RAINY AFTERNOON IN GUISELEY OVER THIS!". Then you look at the CN Tower and come to your senses. But yeah, apologies about not doing a proper blog for about two and a half months (this is me pretending you really care), but look, you're reading this one, so shut up. So what's happened in 2010?

I'm now into the second half of my working visa programme, and the "working" part is still happening. Yeah, I'm still getting paid minimum wage for serving people who seem to lose their common sense as soon as they walk into a movie theatre. And this has become all the more apparent since I was trained on Box Office, which now means I can sell tickets, or alternatively, take abuse and phone calls at Guest Services. I don't mind this role sometimes, it's pretty easy and a bit more dignified than some of the other jobs and you're actually helping people make the biggest decisions they'll make.. in a cinema.. that day. Although at times, it's skull-crushingly dull, especially since our theatre's box office is separated from the level with all the screens and stuff on, so your only company are guests compared to a wealth of lovely co-workers when you work on floor, cleaning theatres and the like (which I actually miss).

Still, work is very regular at the moment and I'm managing to hit 40 hours a week pretty much every week now, which means I can live alright and save (more on that later) - a big difference from the "pay day poverty crawls " of last year...although if I have extra money, it goes on practically nothing because I'm an idiot. The ridiculous late night shifts seem to have disappeared since I was trained on Box as well, as I now work very respectable day shifts - good for some, but this is the first time since probably Year 11 that I've had to get up early everyday for five or six days in a row. And I fucking hate early mornings. What kind of lowlife goes to watch a film at 10.30am? Sub-human scum, that's who.

Aside from work, there's been a few rad happenings, some of which I missed because of work. Shitbags. The ones I did attend included my birthday last week, which was a right mess, running into Mr James Moore of UK Thrash metallers Seregon fame downtown for some chicken n' booze in February and a couple of leaving parties, one for Min at work and another for my housemate Arnaud. My house is still a revolving door of nationalities, two French guys left and an 18-year old Californian model moved in (steady, she's with her brother..not like that.. I don't.. think), but I've really grown to appreciate the place, especially when you come downstairs and there's food on the table, and Carey is like:"Have some food and wine!" and you're like: "No, I'm good man, I've got my own" and he's like "I WON'T REST UNTIL YOU'VE EATEN IT", so you have to eat it, and it's good. There's been heavy doses of cinema watching, drinking non-warm beer and hanging out, maxin', relaxin' etc on my days off in the past couple of months, including a very strange day on a chillier Toronto island recently, which involved a nutter attacking trees and proclaiming he was Satan. That's Toronto for ya. I've also watched quite a lot of (real) football this month, unlike hockey... which brings me onto my next point.

That's right, the Olympic Games happened. Ok, it was at the other side of the country, but everyone went nuts for it over here, especially the hockey. I didn't really pay much interest in it, I watched a few of the events on TV and some of them were pretty interesting, but I was generally very apathetic to it. The Canadians of course, went into patriotic overdrive, which was obvious from the TV coverage which proclaimed that they were going to win everything and everyone else in the world was shit. Turns out they weren't far wrong and I witnessed first-hand patriotism after the gold medal hockey final - me and a mate went to a pub after work on that day whilst the hockey was playing, purposefully going somewhere that didn't have a TV so it'd be a bit quieter -turns out they did have a TV, and upon leaving the place, Toronto seemed to turn into a drunken flag-waving zoo, which was nice to see, I guess. But ultimately, it just made me think: "The World Cup is going to shit all over this". And now, with a little bit of milder weather, I'm looking forward to it even more, roll on June (and please Leeds, don't fuck promotion up..)! Canada is a great country, but hockey is rubbish. Sorry.

The worst thing that has happened in 2010 so far is the fact that I lost my February Metropass in the middle of February, meaning I wasted about sixty bucks of my hard-earned money and lost the freedom to go wherever I wanted for a couple of weeks. Truely heartbreaking. However, I also discovered the wonders of Skype recently, so now I can call home for pennies whenever I want. Add me (lazydog03) if you want to hear how much my accent hasn't changed since I've been away.

My good friend Lev finally booked his flights over for May 3rd the other day, and along with my fellow English Torontonian Cam, we shall finally be escaping T.O for a week! A trip has been planned and estimated for Toronto > New York > Boston > Montreal and then back to reality, so I'm well looking forward to that and getting out of this (lovely) city for a bit. I'll have more about that trip next time, or maybe just pictures from it if I don't pull my finger out and only write a blog when I come back. It seems very odd that I'm using money I've saved up whilst over here to pay for this trip considering I was scraping by to even survive back in November. I'm so glad I got more regular hours at work or I don't think I'd be going anywhere until I went home, which would have been a bit of a waste of an opportunity.

As for my plans after this, currently, all I know is I have a flight booked home for August 12th. I'll be back at the cinema straight after I come back from this trip in May and probably work like a prisoner of war horse until July, when I'll do the second round of travelling. At the moment, I'm contemplating getting a Greyhound North American pass thing, which is usually 200 dollars for seven days, but apparently, if you're a HI-hostel member which I am, you can upgrade it to 15 days for free , which seems so liberating to me - you could literally go anywhere in Canada or the US for dirt cheap. This is still a foetus of an idea and I still fancy exploring Eastern Canada more, so there could even be three trips in the works - stay tuned for useless information you don't care about! Hooray!

That's it for now. Thanks for reading and a special thank you for anyone who's complimented my blog in real life or on Facebook, you're my heroes. Toronto is still being good to me. Now excuse me, I must drink some of this Canada Dry and beat up a raccoon. Good evening.

Films are good

So, I've been working at a cinema for four and a half months. Now, I'm no film expert and at home, I don't tend to watch many films; I much prefer melting my mind with comedy series if I'm gonna watch anything on a screen. But what with the free films and the nature of working at a cinema, i.e the endless constant bombardment of the line "Have you seen..." from both guests and co-workers alike, it's hard to ignore them. Nights I would have spent lying in bed watching Family Guy or SHOCK HORROR spending it in the company of real people, turn into "Wanna go see a movie?" or more often "Paul, let's go see a movie...please." The free-ness of it all has also been a godsend when spending 12.50 on a movie would mean you're eating sweetcorn for the next week.

I worked out that I've watched 18 films on the big screen in approximately 18 weeks. Using my powers of mathematics and my B at GCSE maths, I have therefore come to the conclusion that that's one a week. So, to celebrate this seriously non-momentous and utterly pointless event, here's a short review of each one. I've also been watching a helluva lot more films in general, but if I counted them I might as well review every film I've ever seen and that's not the way I roll madam. TAKE IT FROM THE TOP!

- District Nine
Totally brilliant sci-fi action about a load of (mainly) stupid aliens getting stuck in Johannesburg and the explosive struggle between them and humanity (Or lack of it, ooh, biting). The main guy is awesome, turning from comedy buffoon, to oppressor, to whimpering wreck, to badass saviour, to coward and finally to a self-sacrificing hero. Some intelligent messages, always keeps you on edge and horrendously cool. The first film I saw when I got here and still the best. Buy it, rent it, stream it, you fukken prawn! 10/10

- Inglorious Basterds
Ooh, look at me, I'm Quentin Tarantino, I'm all trendy because I spelt the name of the film all wrong and ooh, here's a shot of a woman eating some bread slowly, ooh let's zoom in, ooh. Ooh. Ok, despite the fact Tarantino always does the same ruddy shots or whatever, this film was pretty good. A load of Jewish soldiers basically kill Nazis in France, and the film revolves around a plot to blow a load of high ranking ones up. Another one that keeps you on edge with some pretty extreme twists, Brad Pitt was pretty funny and lots of gratuitous violence never hurt anyone. Badoom-tsh. The Jew Hunter bloke was also a very good acting person. 8/10

- Capitalism: A Love Story
Michael Moore is at it again! The "fat socialist weasel", as Trey Parker and Matt Stone once referred to him as, tells us, the American public... er.. to wake up and smell the coffee (BUT NOT FROM STARBUCKS LOLOLOLOL) in another documentary tracing back the history of capitalism and why everything is bad for people nowadays you get the picture i.e etc forever. Some good stories and case studies, too much black and white illustrative footage and too much of the hideously ugly Mikey on screen, but definitely makes you think. Bowling for Columbine was better. 7/10

- Zombieland
Some guy that looks kind of like Michael Cera and plays an exact replica of a Michael Cera character in a zombie apocalypse, meets that bloke from Cheers and learns to kill zombies in funny ways for our amusement. Best bit by far was the cameo from Bill Murray and the whole situation that surrounds it, I didn't find the rest of it as funny as some of the audience who appeared to be each having an epileptic fit, three heart attacks and a stroke everytime a zombie got smashed in the head. It was just fine. I prefer zombie films that are unintentionally funny. Or Dead Rising on Xbox 360, which it was kind of like, but with better controls (i.e IT HAD NONE COS IT WAS A FILM WHICH IS BETTER THAN THE SHIT ONES THAT RUDDY GAME HAD!) Or Shaun of The Dead. 6/10

- The Damned United
It's kind of bizarre to me that this film was even shown in Toronto; being based around a famous-in-his-own-country English football manager in the North of England in the 70s. I'd read the book and knew plenty about "Cloughie" through various TV documentaries, so to see it come to life on the big screen with a quality actor (Mr Sheen..Michael Sheen) was awesome. The relationship between Clough and Peter Taylor was portrayed as a bizarrely homo-erotic one, but some solid acting made it all very believable. A film your Dad would love if he supported Leeds in the 70s, or hated Leeds in the 70s (which is more likely). 7/10

- The Men Who Stare At Goats
Ok, so I saw the trailer to this and thought: "This looks rubbish." And it totally was. Apparently based on a true story, Obi Wan Kenobi meets George Clooney in the Middle East and they pretend to be able to knock over goats with their minds or some shit. But frankly, nothing happened - pure dullness. For a "comedy", there was a complete lack of jokes and there were more flashbacks than Family Guy, except not even half as funny. The only redeeming feature was the message, but I didn't need to watch a shit film with a shit title to take that in. 4/10

- The Road
Probably the most depressing film I've ever seen, The Road is all about Aragorn and his kid walking a long a FUCKING ROAD YOU SHIT in an apocalyptic America. They don't really meet anyone apart from nasty cannibals but are kept going by the bond between a father and a son. And it worked - a feeling of complete hopelessness runs through the film, but little moments make you well up (inside). I couldn't watch it again though, it was too draining. You could just watch Goof Troop if you wanted non-depressing lessons in parenthood as well, just saying... 7/10

- Pirate Radio
Knockabout British feel-good comedy with, oddly, a different title to the British version. All based around the true story of "Pirate" radio stations in the sea in the 60s who would play RAAAAAWK and roll - my Mum once told me she listened to them - trivial trivia for yo' ass. Some good stars in this, Nick Frost, that idiot manager bloke from Flight of the Choncords... and some ones that get on my nerves - Rhys Efans. But genuinely funny - I thought it'd be too sappy coming from the same guy who bums Hugh Grant, but it balanced good jokes with a story and you even cared about the characters at the end, which is always a bonus. 7/10

- Red Cliff
Big fighty Chinese war epic. Not much else to say apart from that, other than IT WAS AWESOME! Huge fuck-off battle scenes and brilliant depictions of some very clever war tactics which proved war IS cool - in your anus Edwin Starr! Kind of like watching Lord of The Rings without Orcs. I read the Chinese Army "donated" 100,000 troops to be extras, which was nice of them. It was subtitled, which is a shame, I would have preferred a comedy dub!! Not really. 9/10

- 2012
Jesus Christ. Totally over the top apocalyptic cash-in on the whole Mayan calendar gubbins. 2012 just made me laugh in amazement at some of the ridiculous balls that happened. For example, they're in this huge Noah's Ark-like boat near the end, and suddenly there's a Titanic moment, except it's not an iceberg, IT'S RUDDY MOUNT EVEREST! Yeah, the special effects were impressive but.. I couldn't take this seriously at all. Bad acting, bad writing, bad bad bad. Expect this to play on TV a lot in 2012... IF WE'RE STILL ALIVE!!!!1111111 Rubbish. 3/10

- Invictus
Morgan Freeman playing Nelson Mandela and Matt Damon playing Francois Pienaar?! Excuse me!? Here we have surprisingly alright South African accents in a sort of biopic about Mandela, but all based around the "Regby Wurld Cap". I dunno, maybe filming all the "regby" scenes in slow motion was meant to mean something Clint, but I didn't get it. There wasn't enough grittiness for my liking, Mandela's struggle didn't come across enough and at the end of the day, maybe it's because I'm not a fan of "regby", but it just bored me. It's probably a crime to dislike this, sorry Nelson. 5/10

- Avatar
Well.. I've watched this film a countless amount of times doing IMAX shifts at work, and in all honesty, I think it does deserve the praise it's got. If you don't know what it's about you're an idiot. Yeah, it's definitely not the best film ever made, but it deserves its stupid high revenues. Sure, the story might be a rip off of Pocohontas and it's hilariously written in parts and blah blah blah, but it's genuinely gripping, you definitely feel for the blue monkeys and the action scenes were top class. The IMAX also makes everything very romantic. Don't slag it off. 9/10

- The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Batshit-insane sort of British movie from Terry Gilliam about... I don't know. Totally nutbar. Heath Ledger died during it, probably because HIS RUDDY HEAD CAME OFF! Was that insensitive? I'm gonna say no. Some good performances from people that came in to play his character afterwards and the guy who plays the devil(?). Maybe it comes across as too disjointed and ridiculous for it's own good and becomes pretentious, I'm not sure, I still don't really know what happened during the time it was on screen. Entertaining though. 6/10

- High Life
I watched a Canadian film, and y'know what, it liked it a lot. The title sounds like a subtitle to a friggin' Harold and Kumar movie, but it's much more stylish than that kettle of fish. The story revolves around four blokes addicted to morphine who try and pull off a bank job. And the film works. Funny, clever and just a cool film. Like if you just saw it you'd be like: "Yeah dawg, dat shit was cool". That cool. Some great acting as well. 8/10

- The Book of Eli
Denzel is back as a badass Mad Max type character who walks around (another) post-apocalyptic wasteland trying to deliver his book somewhere. When I saw this at first, I liked it - some top notch action scenes, Denzel and Gary Oldman were good and it was kind of refreshing to see a good old-fashioned cat and mouse chase between a hero and a big nasty boss and his cronies. But later on, I realised just how ridiculous some of the "twists" are and how confused some of the messages from the film seen. Plus Mila Kunis is in no way a badass, I mean.. she's Meg. A mixed bag then. 6/10

- Daybreakers
Take a totally original concept - everyone in the world is a vampire apart from the odd few remaining humans, and the vampires are running out of blood which they need to live or they go all weird - and ruin it with some totally retarded (but funny) over-the-top violence and gore straight out of a old fashioned zombie flick. Ok, maybe ruin is a strong word. Saying it "destroyed the atmosphere" would be a better way of putting it - the film went from being quite stylish to being hilarious. And William Dafoe was gash, as was his "solution", as were the totally shit vampires who hadn't had enough blood - they just looked like Golems with wings. But totally entertaining, a million miles from Twilight (up yours, womankind!), but flawed. 7/10

- Sherlock Holmes
Guy Ritchie does a non-gangster film and he pulls it off, cor blimey guvnor, you slaaaaaag ad nauseam forever. Still, it's set in London of course and casts Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson as more kick ass than they were in ye olde books (probably). The whole film was a proper good old fashioned mystery, a mixture between Diagnosis Murder, any James Bond Film and.. well.. Sherlock Holmes.. ahem. Some great characters, action-packed, kept you guessing and not a dodgy cockney accent in site, fuck - well done. 8/10

- Legion
And so to the last.. and probably the worst. I knew this looked bad from the trailer, but like a horrific car crash, I was just too curious.. and I paid in lost brain cells and two hours of my time. So basically God wants to destroy humanity now for some reason, but one angel still has faith, so goes to some old cafe during the apocalypse (ANOTHER! This time biblical..) and protects a bint who has the fetus of the next jesus up in her womb. There's also some other characters who end up there, but most of them die. And that's pretty much it. The demons are totally ridiculous and non-scary, there's so many pointless and unexplainable bits in the movie and it all takes itself so seriously, I can't believe anyone would ever like this ever. They totally gave away the most surprising bits in the trailer as well. IDIOTS. Why the hell do angels have to use machine guns? Why can't they use angel powers?! Awful shit. 2/10

And that's it. Hopefully I'll see another 18 before I go and review them all for you. Unless you found this boring and too long, in which case, go and read your mum. I heard she's a great.. book (get it). Cheers.

Maximum respect

Full story here.

Not much to say about this one apart from "LOL!". I love how the guy who took the picture feels guilty now about how that worker is probably going to get fired. If someone took a picture like this in England, they'd probably be foaming at the mouth and wouldn't rest until he was on the streets with only a cardboard sign to his name...

I do see a lot of TTC workers lounging around though which, when they apparently get paid quite a lot (I mean, how hard is driving a tram IN A STRAIGHT LINE!?), shouldn't really happen, eh?

TOthousand and TOn in TO

"This isn't cold. I'm not even wearing my winter jacket!"

Yo, I finally found enough motivation to write another one of these and hey, it's a new decade after all. Or is it? Someone argued with me last week about the fact that this isn't a new decade, because they started at 1AD, not 0AD, when Mary squeezed out that magic fetus amongst disease-ridden donkeys in a wooden shack in the modern day Gaza Strip (or whatever). I choose to ignore them. Happy New Decade you arse! But anyway, what's been going on since I last blogged way back in November...

Well, work. And a lot of it. I was finally freed from the shackles of popcorn selling in December and given the run of the cinema. That's right, I now get to do jobs as varied as ripping up people's tickets, walking into theatres and making a noise to check if anyone else is making a noise, cleaning people's mess after the shows, cleaning people's mess in the toilets or (and this one's been quite prominent this month), sitting in our big IMAX and making sure no one steals the 3D glasses, which are apparently worth 40 bucks or something. I don't understand why everyone gets excited about IMAX, I mean, it's alright, but there's one in fucking Bradford, and it's got a museum with it...

Part of the reason I've been working so much and in IMAX is because of that film about the Iraq war the blue men, y'know, Smurfatar. Avatwat. Avargoifyouthinkyerardenoughtar. It's a pretty good film and most definitely impressive, despite a pretty rubbish story, but it's been sold out on IMAX everyday since it's release and the regular 3D shows also tend to sell very well, which meant that over the Christmas period at least, I did nine out of 10 days, with Christmas Day my only respite (which was a bloody good respite, more on that later). I've seen the film way too many times now though and find it more interesting staring at guests or at the wall, which is a shame. Working a great deal has been a bit of a hard hitting novelty for me, considering I've never really worked fulltime. It's also a ballache when you have to count all the glasses at the end of the day and miss the last subway and have to wait for the nightbus in the bitter, freezing, hellish cold....

Oh yes, the cold. Last blog I complained about the lack of snow. Well, to be honest, we haven't had much. It seems there's been a lot more of the white stuff (easy) at home which is very strange. But I doubt they've had "feels like -29 degrees celsius" temperatures at home. I'm not programmed for this kind of weather, my face tends to go redder than usual and I can't feel any of my toes. And yet Torontonians (see subtitle) still call me a pansy and tell me this isn't cold. HOW MUCH COLDER DO YOU WANT TO GO!? It slightly concerns me that there's months of this yet and my primary goal is to survive.

But anyway, despite the long hours and coldness, I still don't hate work and it's having its advantages. I'm still living on the worst food possible for my health at work, yet the amount of walking around I do has caused me to lose weight and feel generally fitter. And of course, I'm getting paid more, so instead of buying one tin of tuna, I might buy two tins and a tin of sweetcorn. And a high quality carrot. No but seriously, the extra money, plus the funds I got from my family for Christmas, will bolster my bank account so I can escape the city whilst I'm still legally allowed to be in this country. Oh and also, I've been eating these.. the best cookies.. no.. food I think I've ever tasted, along with Pop Tarts. They're like crack. Except crack isn't on offer at Walmart. Everyone start putting money into my Paypal account, and I'll bring you some back. Probably.



So yeah, other than work... CHRISTMAS! Yes, that happened. This one was the first time away from my family, and I was very kindly invited to Steve and Sophie's, fellow British people, where a load of us had a very British Christmas, eating too much and drinking too much. I managed to call my family on Christmas Day and of course, that time of the year is always where you're gonna be thinking about your producers and fellow producees more and of course, although I haven't really been homesick since I've been here, I do miss my family, naturally. I bought myself some trainers and a pair of Gears of War boxer shorts, the latter of which are probably the coolest gift anyone has ever bought me. Take note, everyone else.

A few days later and it was New Years Eve. For me, the most overrated night of the year and despite being in a different country, it still blew chunks. Literally. Playing catch up made me go home early and make a mess of the subway (SO sorry TTC cleaners). At least I got to see in the New Year. Also this month I went to some lovely celebrations of birthdays.

On the downside, some lovely people left the country. Ahh.. the downsides of being a traveller. R.I.P Vanesa from work, Aidan from my house and if I didn't mention it, Mr Daniel Thornton from err. Bradford. All shall be missed.

In sports news, I worked the NFL Bills vs Jets game at the Rogers Centre. Once a year, The Buffalo Bills (a rubbish team) play a game in Toronto and naturally, I was excited at seeing "futuristic rugby", as I've played Madden games for years and since I've been over here, watched plenty of it on TV (It's better than ice hockey, come on. And I just saw an advert for "The National World Cup of Curling".. Canadian sports blow). So I was vastly disappointed when, after serving fat Americans buffalo wings (whatever they are) for hours, I got a break at midnight and I could finally sneak out and have a look at the game. Of course, it was over and I went home disappointed. CHAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEE!1111111

Another sporting disappointment occurred yesterday. Well, of course, it wasn't disappointing, it was the biggest victory my beloved Leeds United have had in years, yet I missed it because I was sleeping. ARGHHHHH!

2010 then. Have my plans changed? They change all the time. Originally it was to stay here until spring, then go to Vancouver and work. But I'm not so sure now, after the hassle of finding a job in Toronto, and the fact I'm not a wealthy man to be able to fund myself without a job for very long. But, as long as I get to a few trips out - Montreal, New York and something incredibly great outdoors-ish WILL be done - I'll be happy. And with the extra hours at work, I will definitely get to trek out of the city for the first time in almost three months, like a clear air deprived Victorian smog monkey-child.

I've also had ideas recently about doing this whole thing again but going and staying out west instead as I'm technically doing this "working holiday" as a student, and I'm allowed to do it once again before I'm 30, so.. we shall see. Another thing to look forward to are the visits from buddies at home in the next few months, which will be proper champion. Seriously, if anyone is thinking of coming or is gonna be around, PLEASE let me know, I'd love to put you up and show you around. I might let you touch me as well.

So everything is cool yo, don't worry. I can see the CN Tower from my window and Canadian Blind Date is about to start. Ahem. Bye for now!

TERKERJAWB in TO

"Can I take this popcorn into the cinema?"


Oh, hello there again. Another month goes by, and another month is encapsulated into a short blog post. Well, that's what happens when... typing is a bit of an effort because you have a tiny keyboard?! Scrap that. On with the show.

So, when I last wrote sum werds on dis payge, I had just secured a job at the literal Theatre of Dreams, although not so much Dreams, just a Theatre. And spelt Theater, because apparently it's considered trendy to spell things wrong in North America. And for the past month, a great deal of my time has been spent inside it, selling drinks, popcorn, candy and nachos for RIDICULOUS prices for RIDICULOUSLY poor wages. But in spite of that, the rewards have been good. Plenty of nice colleagues, the bonuses such as; gift vouchers, free films (although I've seen more shite films than good - 2012 and The Men Who Stare at Goats were absolutely diabolical Jeff), the discounted food and free drinks and tea(!!) and finally having (some) money coming in, which has made me solvent in Canada at last. And apparently I will FINALLY graduate from being a popcorn bitch to getting to sweep cinemas and tearing up tickets soon, which almost seems a bigger achievement than graduating with a journalism degree. Sort of.

I have been pretty poor this month though, since the pay is obviously rubbish and shifts vary from plentiful to meagre, but I can afford rent (which I will come to), bargain food, the odd night out, the odd big big purchase and a metropass (godly).
I think the job will work financially for the time being, although with Christmas and some extra jobs coming up (I get to be a hotdog bitch for an NFL game in a couple of weeks, exciting), I should be comfortable like it was bloody September the 3rd all over again. However, I might have to scale down my ambitious plans to travel extensively next year and face the harsh reality that I'll be working somewhere else in this bloody big country at some point. Although...although.. I desperately want to get into bartending or serving or something, because that's where the money is. Tipping is ridiculous here, they tip on everything from coat checking to hairdressing, so I'm trying to crack that market. Failing that, get a journalism job, but.... that'd feel too much like a career.. and that wasn't really the point coming here.

But yes, it appears I am once again living the student lifestyle. Back to noodles, cereal bars and soup, sleeping in until silly times on days off and watching endless amounts of South Park. Only now I have the added bonus of 50 percent off at fast food outlets at work, meaning I get things like Whopper meals for three dollars, which for better or for worse, seem to keep me alive, but ironically, will probably kill me. I now also have more travelling than I did at uni, thanks to the location of my house, but the almighty metropass keeps me in business. Compared to travelling on the London Underground, the TTC (Toronto Transit..Cocks?) seems pretty reasonable to me; $2.75 for ANY journey in one direction, even if you took the subway, streetcar AND the bus, and doesn't give a shit about zoning - even then, people are always complaining about it. True, the system isn't a patch on Lundun's, but there's little complaints from me with this pass though, when you pay $100 a month and then just wave it at some TTC bloke's face and they let you on whatever and go wherever. Magic.

Now the reason I get so much use out of the pass is because of the said location of my house. At the backend of October, I was panicking a bit about finding somewhere to live with the deadline for hostel chucking out creeping up like a really nasty man. I looked around a few places, but finally settled on a quite studenty looking place on Dufferin Street, about 30 minutes from downtown. The rent is reasonable, there's laundry downstairs, the bus outside comes every 5 minutes, my bedroom has a big window and a tv (Canadian TV is still gash though) and there's constantly people around, usually ogling a big projector downstairs, which is a definite bonus. My housemates are cool and massively diverse (Canadian, Irish, French, Russian), a bit like the area itself, which seems to be a poorer version of Little Italy, which is full of fancy shops and shit, whereas my hood is mainly populated with dollar stores, but it's pretty quiet and I've yet to see any shots fired at buses (which has happened in this area before. No, really. And no, this isn't the ghetto at all, so don't...). I could end up moving if I get sick of the journey to work or simply not being close enough to downtown (it sometimes takes one hour getting to work if the bus and two subways decide to be shits) but I kind of like being away from the hassle and the hobos and the looming skyscrapers, so this will do for now thanks.

So yes, it appears I am finally settled in Toronto, with a house and a job and an endless supply of cheap food - I can't give No Frills and (suprisingly) Walmart, enough credit. 79 cent tuna?! Yer 'avin a laugh! And Walmart do bloody George clothes, my mum's choice of christmas present socks and underwear for me since I was five! Just like home!

With being a bit skinter, the fun has taken a bit of a hit recently, but I've still managed to have a right old good time - been oot and aboot a few times - Halloween was a particular highlight where budget zombie costume produced the goods in more ways than one, as was a British poker night where I came third somehow (and then afterwards eating nachos in a bar that served food until 4am, unbelievable) and I've also played a copious amount of Pro Evo at my mate John's place, which has made me think longingly about my Xbox at home, sitting there, not being used, slowing rotting, crying inside. Pain. And of course I've seen loads of films, for free. I also managed to get to my first gig since being over here at the start of November when I saw Gwar at the Sound Academy with my mate Tom, which was absolutely mind-blowing. I think Gwar are possibly my favourite band of all time due to their insane stage shows, and if you don't like them, check this out and then bow to me, cos I'm da best innit.

Toronto seems to have a reputation here for being unfriendly, and sometimes it can definitely appear that way, but I still enjoy the place, and big city living is still a massive novelty for me. Things just never end here. Everything is around the corner. Places you never knew existed become your favourites. And it appears everyone else likes it - at least two Brits I know who have left Toronto for other parts of Canada have since come back - this city is definitely a stable starting block - unfriendly and expensive but welcoming and opportunistic.. juxtapositionmentaltastic. I'll definitely stay here until at least Spring, when my patience for concrete wears thin and I long for bears, mooses and big mountains and shit.

Now, where's my snow you bastard?

Oot and Aboot

"Isn't he cute?" "Not really" "No.. his accent." "Oh.. yeah."

Oh dear, oh dear. This is turning into less of a blog and more of a bloody monthly Reader's Digest. With less.. err.. I dunno, I've never read it. It's got recipes in it hasn't it? Yeah, there's none of them. I'm going to start charging soon. Would you pay? Of course you wouldn't, what a silly thought.

So then right. Since the last time I posted, which is sickeningly over 6 weeks ago, a hell of a bloody lot has happened. Let me take you back to that time. I was still in a horrific hostel by the name of Global Backpackers Village back then, which now I am out of it's sordid grasp, I can honestly say was a complete and utter "sordid little grief hole", as a character played by Chris Morris once said. Oh, for hindsight. Anyway, I left a few days later and moved into another hostel, Hostelling International Toronto, where bizarrely, I still reside.

Anyway, more of that later. Around the time I first joined HI, I was still heavily focused on finding jobs. The endless cycle of CV handing out and bullshit cover letters and stuff isn't fun, and any preconceptions about the recession being any less over here were quickly dashed. Yeah, there is plenty of jobs about, but only with about a hundred billion applicants desperately clambering to make 25 cents by licking the shit off drive-thru banks. Probably.

Drive-thru banks eh. Fucking hell. One thing that hadn't at the time and still hasn't diminished is the sheer hilarity of Toronto. From the ridiculous adverts on TV, to the shop names (Excellent Haircut...Nice One Nails..) to the most insane things you've ever seen like.. a hobo shitting on a church (less funny, more gip-worthy)... they all just give me a very warped view of this city. And I have grown fond of it's twisted ridiculousness. Even the graffiti is better than Britain. I mean, I have genuine respect for people who dawb "Give up, you're too old!" over Jay-Z posters or scrawl "You're ruining our childhood!" over an Astroboy movie poster.

I don't truely believe I'm seeing the real Canada here, and I've heard this view echoed to me by other people. It's not started snowing here yet, it's getting cold a bit (I'm WELL not prepared for that), but Toronto does seem like a bit of any big American city I've seen on TV, with people who say "oot and aboot" and like waving their flags. It's extremely multicultural, which is of course, a good thing (+2 points for my liberalism there), but I think I shall have to wait until next year before I see the whole bear-moose-mountie thing. There's plenty of ice hockey ABOOT EH, but with the form the Toronto Maple Leafs are in, I think I'll steer well clear. Seven losses in a row?! Oh, how I yearn to watch highlights and goals from the INCREDIBLY mighty Leeds ripping up League One at the moment on the BBC Sport website. Bloody restrictions!

Anyway, yes. The job situation grated on me muchly, but plenty of things were going on. I happened to see Ricky Gervais in the street getting out of a limo at the Toronto International Film Festival which was nice, and definitely worth mentioning you "that-isn't-fucking-interesting-Paul"-tossbanana. Socially, I've met a helluva lot of English people this month, including my main boys and current room-mates in the rather nice HI-Hostel, the Room 801 West Yorkshire massive, Dan, Tom and Neil (AKA "the Nesbitt"). Yeah, they come from Bradford. What's that shit?!

I've also had SWAPers coming out of my ears (sadly not in reality yet...er..) and the majority of night outs have included some or all of them. The hostel itself throws up some interesting characters on occasion and we also got taught beer pong by some really quite young college girls before everything sort of went wrong, but that story isn't very interesting. Promise.

But yeah, that's right, I'm still in a hostel after seven weeks. But it's not a case of waking up to find a smelly Chinese bloke going mental inside a dustbin at 6am - after living with another two bloody nice chaps on top of the current Room 801 roster for a couple of weeks at the end of September, we booked into a semi-private room at the start of October, meaning it was just four of us. Cabin fever does occasionally set in, but no one has died. Yet. My bet is on Neil. Things like ninjavideo (New Peep Show is WIZARD!), Chris Morris quotes and a bloody amazing game called Simsoc (much recommended for fans of 96-97 Premiership footballers and early Champ Manager games) do make the time go quicker and provide us all with a bloody laugh. Like Neil.



We've managed a few nice trips during this month though as the job search sort of faltered and then finally succeeded. The CN Tower was a little bit of a let down (it's just a big tower innit) - the views were ok, but I probably would have felt a bit let down had it not cost about 12 dollars thanks to a left voucher from our fleeting friends Ozzie "croc" Melissa and Nic (she was from Bradford, what's that shit again). Niagara Falls was lovely though, despite being a load of old water - it was nice to get out of the city for a day and see some different coloured trees. Some bits were a let down though - the world's most dangerous whirlpool was a complete and utter scam and the supposedly picturesque Town of Niagara was overrun with tourist scum like ourselves. We also went to Woodbine races on Saturday, where we lost loads of money and cried ourselves to sleep on the way home on the bus.

Toronto it seems isn't a huge attraction place, so whilst I'm Toronto, I do plan to get out to some of the other famous cities around here - Montreal, Quebec City and Ottawa (where two of my room mates are currently doing).

So, onto jobs. Ah, firstly, one thing I did manage was to sign up to an agency on the spot in mid-September and find myself serving U2 fans hotdogs at two dates those Oirish dolts did at the Rogers Centre. Not much to report there, but on a side note, I found myself at the Rogers Centre quite a few times after this, bizarrely because I seemed to find myself drawn to baseball. I mean yeah, it could be because it was 11 dollars and I didn't have anything else to do, but the last game I saw was genuinely gripping, and I even ended up buying a Blue Jays watch for work! WORK! Yes, a few weeks ago, I got a call back from Scotiabank cinema, a cinema where I watched Inglorious Basterds at with my mate Mr Daniel Sawicki at the start of September (to review, it was ok, bit over-Tarantino-y, but whatever, I haven't even seen Pulp Fiction and even I made that judgement so it can't have been that good.. I've also seen District 9 which was bloody superb and Zombieland which was alright, wordy reviews over), and they gave me the job straight away at the interview.

In summary, it's minimum wage, and at the moment, I'm not sure I can live off it exclusively. But for what it is, after working about four or five shifts now, I can honestly say it's pretty good for a part time job. I finally get to meet some real Canadians and I get picked up on by my englishness a lot; take a look at that ruddy bold title at the top for a TERRIBLE example, but I reckon it helps - I sold the most popcorn/drink/candy combos last week, which was kind of the corniest and best thing ever, and I got a 25 dollar gift voucher for a restaurant AND I get to see the equivalent of a free film a week, so don't... Also, it means some of those lovely Toronto girls HAVE to talk to me..

In short, yes, I'm a journalism graduate who now works for Cineplex Canada and stinks of popcorn. Wandafideaboudid?!

Anyway, with some income coming in now, and with a bit of luck, an extra bit on the cards if I can find another job for over Christmas, I am in the process (I say process, that mainly just means wasting time on the motherfucking internet)of finding somewhere to live of my own for November.

And that's me for now. The Canadian dream is still alive! Things will change in a few weeks and I'll have to adapt or die. Stay tuned to see if I die. Hope you're having a nice time in Britain and go and check out my photos on Facebook you big spazz!